I also will admit I was sent this bumper sticker in an email with stumpy’s link, I texted the sender to take me off the email list, and I gave my two cents on the rethug party and current candidates. I couldn’t even post it here that day, it is an all time low in terms of racism and where the minds of people in this country are at. It’s hard for me to accept that Americans are ok with being so ignorant and racist. it’s appalling. & I’ll be working on an ex-patriot sitch in Asia again if rethugs ‘take their country back’ bc I don’t think I can watch…

Luv, Zen Lill

Michelle: I agree with you 100% that Stumpy’s Stickers has printed and is selling a very racist sticker that is bad for the whole country, and it is in bad taste. But evidently that is what is selling. Supply and demand.

Just for the record: do you know that he drives a truck, or is that an assumption? And why do you assume that every white hetrosexual man gives a shit if his dick will fill up a Grand Canyon sized vagina.

I am white and never give a second thought to the size of my penis, never, and I have had my share of women to know that they don’t care either as long as you know how to use it, it is not puny and show them some real love.

You are without a doubt the most sexist woman I have ever spoken to, and frankly you disgust me with your holier than thou
attitude.

I believe you have a bad case of penis envy, and need professional help in the worst way. You are a bad role model for womanhood everywhere.

Al

You may be good at resolving complaints with store managers or customer service reps, but complaining to people you know and see regularly—neighbors, colleagues, friends and relatives—is trickier.

Reason: It’s about more than being right and getting satisfaction. You’re trying to preserve the bonds of respect, friendship and/or love.

Rather than risk starting an argument, some of us repress our complaints, which builds up frustration and deepens the cycle of miscommunication.

Personal interviewed communications expert Guy Winch, PhD, about how to complain to friends and family members in a way that produces results instead of headaches…

DON’T BE A SQUEAKY WHEEL

Most people complain like squeaky wheels. They vent their emotions as they tick off a list of problems in a tense, annoyed tone.

Venting may provide you with cathartic relief and can be effective in situations when you’re complaining about a product or service because it proves that you mean business, and the squeakiest wheels do get results.

However, it rarely works with friends and family.

No matter how justified your anger or how culpable the other parties are, venting is interpreted as an unfair attack and triggers defensive behaviors, including angry denials, retaliatory complaints or shutting down and tuning you out.

USE A “COMPLAINT SANDWICH”

This is my favorite way to ease past the defense systems of people you know. Sandwich your complaint in between two positive statements.

The top slice of bread is a compliment that gets the person’s attention and makes him/her more receptive to your complaint.

Case study: I had a patient who was throwing a party and was worried that her overbearing mother-in-law would try to take charge as she had done in the past.

My patient was a bit intimidated by this woman and did not want to hurt her feelings.

Her top slice went this way, “You throw amazing parties, and I know this one would probably be a snap for you.

But I wanted to talk to you about something.” This last sentence framed what she had to say as a benign “talk” rather than a complaint.

The meat of the sandwich is a single, specific complaint. More than that just overwhelms people.

My patient told her mother-in-law, “You’ve taken charge of things in previous parties, which I’ve appreciated, but it hasn’t allowed me to test my own party-throwing abilities.”

The bottom slice of bread is a friendly expression of appreciation combined with a request for a favor that motivates the other person to take some positive action.

My patient said, “You really enjoy party planning, so I know that I’m asking a lot, but I would really appreciate it if you would let me fly solo on this one and let me handle the party myself.”

AVOID CRITICIZING

Complaints focus on particular behaviors in particular situations and seek beneficial change. Criticisms are generalized accusations about the other person’s character.

They can cause long-lasting wounds and be toxic to a relationship.

Case study: I heard from a man whose wife was always on her iPhone. She even checked it at the dinner table and during movies at the theater.

He complained to her that she was an “iPhone addict.” Not surprisingly, their exchange escalated into a big fight.

“Addict” was too highly charged a word to be productive in resolving his complaint.

Instead, I suggested he try saying, “I got frustrated in the movie theater the other night when you had to respond to that message from work, because I really look forward to spending time with you.

If we could designate movies as a time when we both turn off our phones, I would feel much less annoyed.”

What got through to the wife was when the husband said that her iPhone use bothered him because he really looked forward to spending time with her.

She agreed to negotiate times that they would turn off their phones—the list included movies/shows, dinner together and “relationship talks.”

USE THE WORD “DISAPPOINTED”

When dealing with issues of trust, “disappointment” is a powerful word that exudes vulnerability and puts the burden on the other person to accept some blame and make amends.

Use it instead of more aggressive, hostile words such as “violated” or “betrayed,” which often push the other person to lash out with complaints about you.

Example: You confide in a colleague at work about your husband’s medical condition. Though you’ve asked her not to tell anyone else, the colleague tells the receptionist.

Instead of saying, “How could you violate my trust?” say, “I was so disappointed to hear that you mentioned Michael’s diagnosis to the receptionist.”

Your friend’s likely reaction is to say, “I’m sorry.” But if your friend responds with a countercomplaint of her own (“You’ve talked about my family”), resist getting defensive yourself.

Give your colleague an incentive to keep listening to you. Say, “That’s worth discussing. Let’s go back to what I initially brought up, then I promise we will talk about what you said.”

BE SELECTIVE

If you voice every small annoyance and irritation to people you know, you become a chronic complainer whom no one takes seriously.

My rule of thumb: Ask yourself, Will this incident still bother me a month from now and have a negative effect on my life and self-esteem? If not, let it go.

DECIDE ON THE OUTCOME

Select the outcome that will be satisfying and meaningful to you. Otherwise, the person may fulfill your request but still leave you feeling frustrated.

Case study: A wife complained bitterly about her husband eating ice cream in bed at night. I asked her if she would feel better if he stopped bringing ice cream to bed.

Perhaps he could eat it in the kitchen instead? Or he could eat something healthier? Or bring a dish for her?

The wife realized that none of those alternatives would feel satisfactory. What she really was complaining about was the lack of physical and emotional intimacy in bed with her husband.

PUT ON A DUCHENNE SMILE

Much of what people react to when you complain is the unhappy, tense look on your face and the condescending tone in your voice.

The easiest and simplest way to make a person more receptive is to make eye contact and smile as if you mean it.

Guillaume Duchenne, a 19th-century French neurologist, was the first to recognize that a truly authentic smile involves the eye and cheek muscles, not just the mouth and lips.

So don’t just give a tense little smile. Give a big smile when you have a complaint to voice.

This not only transmits emotion that makes you seem calm and open-minded, but it also makes it less likely that you will maintain a tone of anger and condescension in your voice.

Source: Guy Winch, PhD, a licensed psychologist in private practice in New York City.

He is author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships, and Enhance Self-Esteem (Walker & Company).

He writes the Squeaky Wheel blog on http://www.PsychologyToday.com. http://www.GuyWinch.com

Linda