Wife of Madonna, Tomlin, Steele, etc.

Carol

Mildred

Russ

The Arizona Cardinals were more honest than McCain during the campaign. I can under stand him not wanting to be sitting in the same room with everybody their comparing his team’s loss to his own loss to the President. My Condolences to the McCain family on their”latest” loss.

Shelly Gable, PhD
University of California, Santa Barbara

Locial research has revealed that heartfelt praise is vital to a loving relationship. In contrast, negative feedback given at a time when a warm response is expected indicates trouble.

Scenario: When Cynthia wins a poetry prize, her husband, Dan, excitedly calls their three closest friends to spread the word. Dan’s genuine enthusiasm about Cynthia’s good news is good news for their marriage.
Comparable scenario, different result: Bill calls home from a craft show to report winning first prize for his duck decoy. His wife, Deb, replies, “The duck’s OK. Your seagull is better.” Her left-handed compliment rebuffs his invitation to share his elation. Instead of strengthening the link between them, Deb has weakened it.
When things go wrong, people frequently want to talk about it, but people seek emotional support at least as often when something good happens as when the news is bad. The announcement of a personal victory or stroke of luck is accompanied by the need for acceptance and appreciation… encouragement and understanding… congratulations and praise.
Important: When the response is anything less, it represents a lost opportunity and detracts from the relationship as a whole.
Praise from a partner demonstrates that the person is invested in the relationship, that he/she “gets” you and cares about you. Knowing that you can rely on a consistently caring response no matter what happens — whether a promotion or a layoff, good health or bad — reinforces a feeling of security and being loved. Over time, consistently positive responses add up, representing the positive connection between you.
IF IT’S NOT GOOD NEWS FOR YOU
But suppose the news reported by your loved one as good strikes you as middling — or worse. What to do: Keep your initial negative reaction to yourself. Make praise your first response, and address the practical ramifications later.
Example: Dick announces excitedly that he has just inherited a house in the mountains. His wife, Viv, replies, “I hope you don’t expect me to spend my vacations there. You know I prefer the beach.”
If she wanted to strengthen the relationship rather than hurt it, Viv might have congratulated Dick on his windfall and asked about the details.
COMPONENTS OF INTIMACY
My social psychology laboratory at UCLA performs relationship studies in which we videotape volunteers’ conversations. By watching tapes of couples and interviewing them later, we examine their interpretations of their partners’ comments and how their conclusions influence their feelings and behavior.
We have videotaped couples discussing a recent negative event and then a positive one. Two months later, the stronger predictor of which couples would stay together, with more satisfaction in their relationships, was whether or not a recipient of information responded to good news with a positive reaction.
People demonstrate a sense of intimacy in three ways when responding to a partner’s communications. First, they show understanding of what’s important to the person making a statement, such as by knowing when to say, “That sounds like a headache for you” instead of “Congratulations.” Second, their responses express validation, implying, “What’s important to you is important to me.” Third, their responses convey caring: “I’m proud of you.”
How do your responses to your partner sound? Listen to yourself and see…
Sam says, “I’ve just been elected president of the tennis club!” His partner, Artie, might react as follows…
Active constructive response: “Congratulations! I know that this position is important to you. You worked hard. People appreciate you.”
Passive constructive response: “That’s great. Good for you.”
Active destructive response: “Now you’ll never be home. I guess nobody else wanted that job.”
Passive destructive response: “What’s for dinner?”
Only an active constructive response signals a healthy relationship, our studies have found. The other responses don’t cut it. They pop the bubble of excitement that Sam had expected to share.
PAYOFF ON BOTH SIDES
Benefits accrue to both parties when a relationship is strong. Research shows that people who have strong social bonds tend to live longer, be happier and even be better off financially than those who don’t. A number of studies have shown that when people believe that somebody will be there for them, great things happen.
Physical benefits: Cardiovascular function improves… recovery time from stress tests is shorter… immune systems get stronger — all indicators of physical strength. In addition, those with a supportive partner experience less depression and anxiety and a greater sense of well-being and satisfaction with life.
In addition, praising one’s partner benefits the praiser as well as the person praised. My research group learned in a recent study that people who focus on positive incentives in their relationships — deliberately speaking and behaving in ways intended to make the other person feel good — are more likely to feel satisfied with their social lives and positive about their relationships than those who don’t make a point of offering positive responses. Just as praise reflected a strong relationship, its absence highlighted a weak or failing one.
Age didn’t matter: Couples in our study were 25 to 75 years old and had been married for one to 50 years. Results were consistent across the board.
IT’S COMPLIMENTARY
Compliments can go a long way. In one of our studies, each member of a couple answered a set of questions every day about what had happened between them and their partners and how they felt about it and about their relationship in general. On days when people had been praised by their partners, they reported greater satisfaction with the relationship and a generally positive feeling.
Our psychology lab is starting to videotape communications between friends. We suspect, based on our findings in couples, that a person who shows enthusiasm and genuine interest in a friend’s good news will cement the friendship, whereas acting jealous or bored may harm it.
FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE
A time-honored wedding vow reads: “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part.” Many people assume that because sharing the good parts of life is easy, the vow consists of agreeing to share the bad parts. In fact, it’s often easier to sympathize with bad fortune than to embrace another’s good luck.
Couples vowing “for better or for worse” promise they’ll support each other even when times are good and delight in everything positive that happens to each other. Partners who do are solidifying their relationship and helping it to blossom and endure.
Retirement interviewed Shelly Gable, PhD, a social psychologist at the University of California, Santa Barbara, who studies relationships in dating and marriage. In 2006, she was among 20 scientists selected by the prestigious National Science Foundation to receive the Presidential Early Career Award for Scientists and Engineers, the highest national honor for beginning independent investigators in those fields.