Roni Lang, LCSW
Greenwich Hospital

Matching our parents become less able to care for themselves is one of life’s greatest challenges. Adult children often feel awkward and ill-equipped to assume the caretaker role.

Although this shift in roles may be uncomfortable and frightening, it also can provide opportunities for connection and growth. What to do…

Accept your conflicting emotions and those of your parents. Aging brings up a complicated tangle of feelings in both parents and children. Along with love and appreciation, we also are likely to feel, at various times, resentment, sadness, fear, frustration, guilt, anger and impatience.

Underlying all these emotions is the issue of loss. The parent fears losing independence and, with it, self-confidence, power and control. Adult children not only suffer by witnessing their parents’ pain but also must cope with their own losses. They lose the image of a parent who always can be counted on to take care of things. Instead, the “buck stops” with the adult child.
Simply recognizing these feelings can keep us from being blindsided and overwhelmed by them.

Begin discussion early. If you bring up aging and health issues before a crisis hits, it makes communication and planning easier. Introduce the topic in a friendly, low-key way.

Example: “I just wrote out my health-care proxy and power of attorney. This is really important to me. If I can’t speak for myself, I want doctors to know that my husband will speak for me. Who would you want to speak for you if you couldn’t speak for yourself?”

Other questions you might ask: “If it became hard to take care of the house, what other options would you consider? How would you feel about live-in help? What about retirement communities or assisted-living facilities”… “Could we put together a list of your doctors’ names and phone numbers, and the medications you’re taking? I’d feel better having that information in case you ever got sick or had an accident.”

Caution: Don’t raise more than one issue at a time. Trying to tackle too much at once can lead to stress and defensiveness. If your parent doesn’t want to discuss the issue, back off and talk about something else. Raise the topic again on another occasion.
Determine if you need to get actively involved. If a parent is already declining, you need to be more assertive. Signs that you should get actively involved include…

Trouble with everyday tasks, such as cleaning, cooking, paying bills.
Neglecting personal care (wearing the same clothes every day, bathing less often).
Health changes, such as weight loss, lack of energy, difficulty walking.
Frequent confusion, memory lapses, trouble with problem-solving, getting lost in familiar areas.
Safety concerns, such as the stove being left on or medications in disarray.

Involve your parent in decisions. Most parents dig in their heels when their children tell them what to do. Statements such as “I think you should see a doctor” or “I don’t think you should drive anymore” threaten their independence.

Unless your parent is in immediate danger, give him/her as much latitude as possible. Present options. Encourage mutual brainstorming and problem-solving.
Example: “I notice you’ve lost a lot of weight. What do you think might be going on? Who do you think could help with this?”

Also, try to express your concerns, rather than giving orders.
Examples: “I get so worried when you drive. I’m afraid that something might happen to you.”… “As a favor to me, would you go to see the doctor? It would really put my mind at ease.”

Stay calm and connected. Strive to show empathy, affection and respect. Relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, can help you maintain your composure.
When family members come to loggerheads, it’s usually because both sides are trying to prove they’re right.

When you catch yourself raising your voice or getting impatient, stop trying to force your point. Instead, acknowledge what the other person is saying.
Example: “I really want to understand your point of view. Let’s start again. Tell me what you’re worried about.”

Often, a parent may be more receptive to the idea of accepting assistance when it comes from someone other than a son or daughter. If your parent resists your help, consider asking your parent’s close friend, sibling (your aunt or uncle), clergyperson or doctor to initiate the conversation.

Listen compassionately. When our parents say things that sound negative, the temptation is to try to talk them out of those feelings. We may think we’re helping them, but we’re actually protecting ourselves from feeling guilty or sad — and probably making our parents feel worse.

Example: On her first day as a resident at an assisted-living facility, Margaret said, “I hate this place. I’d rather be dead.” Her daughter replied, “Cheer up, Mom, you’ll love it here. Look how they’ve painted the walls bright yellow. You love yellow.” This kind of exchange is patronizing — it’s likely to make the parent feel even more helpless and childlike.

Instead of dismissing your parents’ feelings, acknowledge them. Then point out their strengths.
Example: “I know this change is hard. It’s going to take time to get used to. But you’ve worked through new situations before. I know you’ll be able to work through this one.”

Get support. A large network of public and private agencies and programs exists to help seniors and their families with caregiving assistance and emotional support.

To locate publicly funded and community programs, start with Eldercare Locator, a free national service of the Administration on Aging. The service links those who need assistance with state and local area agencies on aging and community-based organizations that serve older adults and their caregivers. For information and referral to community-based services, contact the Eldercare Locator at 800-677-1116 or visit eldercare.gov.

If your parent has been hospitalized, the hospital social worker can help guide you toward resources. You may want to consider hiring a professional geriatric care manager (GCM) — a nurse, social worker, gerontologist or other specialist who can help you navigate options and create an action plan. Contact the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers (caremanager.org).

Personal interviewed Roni Lang, LCSW, a clinical social worker who directs the Family Caregiver Support Program of the Center of Healthy Aging at Greenwich Hospital, Greenwich, Connecticut, part of the Yale New Haven Health System. She has more than 20 years of experience working in the field of aging and family caregiving. She also is a frequent speaker on topics related to aging and patient care and is the recipient of the Excellence in Caregiving award from the Connecticut Alzheimer’s Association.

Al

The gaul of Sgt Cromley to want to go to the White House and meet with a man he tried to frame is one thing. But to go knowing that there are publicly aired contradictions to his lies is a new low.

The facts show that this man lied about the presence of a witness at the scene. He lied about what he put in his report. He asked for more cops to intimidate a old cripple black man. He lied about what happened at the scene.

The point not mentioned by any of the white media is Sgt Cromley attempted to get this man arrested and charged with a felony misconduct assault against a police officer.

That is a charge that carries serious ramifications. The black man would have had to incur expensive legal services to fight it and endure the emotional trauma of not knowing whether an all white jury would convict him on the trumped up charge of misconduct.

The teaching moment we whites are using to minimize the crime Sgt Cromley committed against this black man is disgusting. It is but one the typical ways white men dismiss their racist behavior against OTWs.

It is appallingly obvious that now that the facts are showing that SGt Cromley is a liar and a perjurer on his police report, the media is anxious to forget this story.

If it had been a black policeman who attempted to frame a white man with a false police report, every channel would be blaring “reverse discrimination” claims 24/7.

White men have no shame. This perjurer is willing to march into the White House knowing that those two prominent black men know what he tried to do to one of them. He knows that they are also speculating on how many OTWs this racist has framed, embarrassed, and terrorized with his badge in the past.

The truly horrible thought for them and other OTWs who are forced to endure this travesty of justice is that they also know that this racist will get to continue to be a terror to other OTWs.

White don’t see the seriousness of it because it is not a threat they will have to endure from this bigot. As I said when I think I have seen the limits of white men’s self-serving behavior, I am proven wrong.

OTWs, I am speaking up as a white woman to say you have my apology for whatever you feel it is worth for my race’s evil that is practice upon you daily.

Sgt Cromley, God will have your measure when your hour is up. It won’t be the the god you and your fellow bigots pray to. That being will be the master of where you and your kind will dwell if there is a Hell after death.

I wish you a speedy flight there.

Haley

I congratulated her and said that I was delighted that she and Rick, her bf were getting married. She thanked me. Then she said that she wasn’t marring Rick because he wasn’t the father of her baby. She was marring my bf Don because he was the father of her baby.

To make a long story short, I got revenge on her by getting pregnant by her father. My boyfriend found out that i was pregnant and got he to have an abortion in her second trimester. WE are now getting married. He doesn’t know that I know that he knocked up my best friend. I told my bf’s father that he was the father. He said if the DNA test was positive, he would put the child in his will and give me $2,000 a month for child support if I kept his secret.

It’s his baby because he was the only one I was having sex with during that time. I only fucked my finacee to convince him that he was the father. I was going to tell his wife to fuck up their marriage, but $2,000 a month a new car and $50,000 if it is a boy is to good to fuck up. So I guess I’ll have the little bastard. Oh he won’t be a bastard now because I will be married before I drop my little money maker.

Charlette