‘Embarrassment’ does not equal ‘Empowerment’
Posted by michellemoquin on August 9th, 2008
Hello Maddie: I am assuming that you are talking about the girls in training. What do you suggest the American women do? I’ll tell you what I suggest. Tell the girls to get over it….in an empathetic way of course. If you remember you too were once an American woman so far behind the rest of the worlds girls.
Embarrassment is a form of self pity. If one is going to wallow in it one will not learn the lessons from the mistakes that one has made that brought on the embarrassment in the first place. I speak this way because I recognize this behavior in myself.
Feeling sorry for ones self is one of the biggest mistakes American women make over and over again. It not only is not empowering but it has no benefits what-so-ever. I would say to these women to look at what circumstance brought on the embarrassment, and look at it from a mature, unemotional perspective. One can not use the excuses….’Oh I was too young to know’, or ‘I was never taught or informed.’ At some point, one has to wake up and see the accountability in the actions and take responsibility. When the ‘poor me, I didn’t know any better’ victim attitude is buried, strength rises. And that strength is powerful. They only need be embarrassed if they don’t learn from their mistakes and rise above. Use the embarrassments to grow and to be able to teach other women.
Am I off base?…maybe you weren’t seeking this advice and I am just projecting and sharing my views from a recent incident in my own life. I am not immune from such lessons. I have been embarrassed and ashamed over actions that I did when I was very ‘young and dumb’. It wasn’t until recently that I was privy to my own mistakes and how they have shaped my life. Yes, I was embarrassed, yes, I was ashamed, and yes I was wallowing. But all it left me feeling was helpless and out of control. Now, what good does that do me? Nothing, I was not empowered at all.
What did I do? I had to consciously control my emotions and get present so that I could examine my actions. No crying…no ‘buts’. It was not easy. I was major PMS but again…excuses aside. If I had continued wallowing I would not have learned what I am passing along today. No one is perfect. Shit happens. Life hands us lessons, sometimes embarrassing ones, and it is up to us to learn from them and more importantly pass them on. If one can learn and be able to share by teaching with an empathetic ear, then wouldn’t you say the embarrassment was worth it? It’s not about making embarrassing mistakes it is about what you do afterwards. Put it behind you and stop being ashamed. Use your embarrassing moments to your benefit not to your detriment. By the way, this is me passing this on.
Am I making myself clear here? I’m not sure if I have articulated my thoughts well this morning, or if you even wanted to hear all of this…..too late, it is out there now.
Readers: Care to share? Blog me.
Hi Valerian: As I write this, I am hoping that you are safe. I have only read briefly about what is going on in your country but already I know that the death toll is high. I realize that time is of the essence here…please give me a day or two to research. Be safe.
‘sweet pea’ and ‘sweetness’: Get a room :)
See ya tomorrow….
Gratefully your blog host,
michelle ?
Aka BABE: Your ’Bad Ass Bitch Editor
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August 9th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Ah Mischa, I was wondering when someone was going to say the old line, ‘get a room’ hahaha…sorry we take up so much space on your blog, what can I say…? You’ll tell us if you want us to quit it and take it elsewhere, yes? I’m hoping we’re not really offending anyone, you have many readers but they all seem totally irrelevant and not even present when I address Anonz. Again…apologies to you and anyone else…are we good??
Are you my soul sister? I would’ve worded the above a bit differently, and threw in some psych words to be sure, (narrative therapy, behavior modification techniques, NLP, etc…) but you summed it up correctly. A great book: Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz (amazon used $1.70 +S&H, a bargain for such great life stuff) Misch, did you come up with a better term for ‘self help’? I’ll think on that also…(btw, PMS f**ks with your mind in this negative thinking way in my experience, ‘this too shall pass’ helps but an alcoholic bevvie or two works for me also)
Anonz, babe you know I can write volumes to you but I’ll keep it brief…sort of : )
‘….illegal immigration to the tune of 40 billion dollars. Who do you think is going to benefit from all that money?’ Hmmm, let me guess, you and your cronies? Btw, that fence is the stupidest idea I’ve heard yet, and I’ve seen news coverage on the exact execution of said fence building, blah, blah and blah and it all made NO sense. I wondered how much they paid the ‘talking heads’ and ‘consultants’ to sell that smelly load of BS. It was like watching a good parody only they’re talking about my country…and that’s not funny.
Zenzational Honey Cup…over the top? Well, it’s long but it gave me a good lucid daydream, won’t get into it but you were offering up all kinds of utterances and making me laugh or smile or go entirely straight-faced hmmm, oh meant to tell you…while I do the hot verbiage well (sweetly demure, me?), you do that Grand Marnier induced poetic, dreamy alliteration thing very well…in fact, rather than getting a room, that seems a bit ‘over the top’ since we haven’t met : ) I think perhaps you may be due for a pet name promotion? Any preferences or should I wing it or do you just totally dig sweet pea…?
Re: ‘…sure Madaline is calling the shots correctly. I just am not built to turn tail and run. It’s not macho, far from it. I just feel that I can give as good as I get.’ Yes, I get this about you; hope you manage to stay one step ahead. I do not think you act or speak macho at all, in fact, that’s part of your allure is the nice detachment of the usual male ego from your self disclosure dialogue (that’s a very nice compliment, just in case you missed my meaning).
Sweet pea, this was the last thing you wrote yesterday and thank you for this, I shook my head and laughed right out loud: ‘…incorrigible rogue or so says the reputation…’ did you think I hadn’t surmised this? Based on everything you have disclosed personally and otherwise, I’d have to guess you’ve got some serious nay-sayers, and more than the average share. No one will dictate my opinion about you, I’d say that along with your political/business/Darfur metamorphosis your once ice cold hard-hearted attitude is thawing in all aspects, am I wrong? You may have quite the past and maybe even a horrible love life record but that was then and this is now, I can only think/hope that it all makes you who you are and you’re becoming more the man that you’ve wanted to be…
Sorry for the lengthy Anonz talks, should I be embarrassed (cuz I’m not currently…hahaha) not a victim and fully responsible also. Maddie, I second Mischa, tell those American girls to get over it and WOMAN UP.
Ciao, Zen
August 9th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Would Your Friends Pass the Friendship Test?
Mamta Gautam, MD
University of Ottawa
If you have good friendships, chances are you will be healthier. A significant body of scientific research supports the health benefits of friendships.
For example…
People who have a supportive network of family and friends have less incidence of cardiac disease, as well as lower blood pressure and heart rate, according to studies conducted at the University of Chicago and the University of California at Irvine.
Social ties are even associated with a lower likelihood of premature death, based on the findings of a Yale University researcher who followed the death rate of 10,000 older adults over a five-year period. This could be because people who have social ties typically feel supported, cared for and valued. They tend to believe that their lives have more meaning, and choose to make the effort to remain healthy.
Friends also help us cope. A landmark study at the University of California at Los Angeles showed that women respond to stress by “tending and befriending.” When females experience stress, a cascade of chemicals is released within their bodies, including the hormones oxytocin and estrogen — both of which compel women to bond. The increased oxytocin level suppresses the hormone cortisol, resulting in lower levels of anxiety and a sense of calm.
Friendships between women usually are based on a feeling of emotional closeness and attachment. Most women welcome the opportunity to share feelings, thoughts and experiences — and devote a great deal of time and energy to such relationships.
Friendships between men are typically quite different. A great deal of research on male friendship focuses on what are known as “activity friends” — those with whom men play sports, watch television or have a drink… “convenience friends” with whom favors can be exchanged… and “mentor friends” in which one man who has more experience and skills helps out another. In general, men’s friendships focus less on communication and more on activities and companionship.
Being friends during good times is easy. What happens when there is a falling out? While it can be hard to express negative feelings of hurt or disappointment, that is exactly what we need to do. At times, we allow a friend to drift away rather than risk experiencing any conflict. A good friendship is worth the energy and risk. It takes faith to realize that a conflict is not going to break a friendship, and may actually strengthen it.
WHAT MAKES A GOOD FRIEND?
Relationship experts Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University have created a list of traits to look for in enduring friendships.
A good friend is someone who…
1. Makes time. Whether you’re in the midst of a crisis or slogging through the mundane, a friend will have time for you.
2. Keeps a secret. Trust allows you to feel emotionally safe, share feelings and explore and understand what may be bothering you.
3. Cares deeply. The ability to enter your world and feel your pain is a cornerstone of friendship.
4. Provides space. Friends will give you time alone and are there when you need them.
5. Speaks the truth. This person asks the questions you want to ignore and helps you face reality.
6. Forgives faults. Everyone has faults. A friend knows you and likes you anyway!
7. Remains faithful. You will not be deserted during bad times.
8. Laughs easily. We all enjoy the company of people who share our sense of humor.
9. Celebrates your success. Ideally, there’s no jealousy, resentment or destructive competition between friends.
10. Connects strongly. Whether it’s bridge, books or real estate, friends share common interests.
It’s more productive to work on being a good friend, rather than to look for a good friend. Legendary self-improvement expert Dale Carnegie advised that people can make more friends in two months by simply becoming interested in other people than they can make in two years by trying to get people interested in them.
To be a good friend: Think of someone who means a lot to you, and show that person you care by contacting him/her. Schedule regular activities together, such as golf games, bike rides or lunch. If the person does not live close by, plan to meet soon, and stay connected via regular phone calls or E-mails.
Once you initiate contact, use the “Tarzan Rule” — just as Tarzan never lets go of one vine unless he’s got another one at hand, do not end a contact with your friend without booking one more. Your friends may very well help keep you healthy — even keep you alive.
August 9th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Michelle
That was very insightful. I really enjoyed reading the advice you gave today to the girls. I even liked the one you gave to us. Of course, the “room” would have to be My Sweet Tender’s call( no solicitation intended).
Zen
As for the moniker “swea pea,” I love it. If I may paraphrase a favorite western, “I’ll be your swea pea.” As for poetry, I was waxing poetically about you to a friend and she suggested that I get a room too. But her suggestion was that it be a patted one.
I laughed and thought, perhaps I should summit it to you for your perusal. Get that site fixed or I will have to summit it here. Wouldn’t want to miff Michelle.
Michelle, I know you said it tongue in cheek. I’m equally sure that if it became necessary, you’d provide the keys for the explosive union. No cameras please.
Anonz