‘Just Noticing’: Observations Of A Blogger
Posted by Michelle Moquin on April 11th, 2010
Today’s write of ‘just noticing’ is going to be very personal.
It didn’t dawn on me till a little over a week ago that I was not being friendly with life. And ‘just noticing’ that over the past few weeks, and more likely the past few months, I have been treating my life, not as a friend, but as a fiend, an enemy.
Spiritually I have sunken to depths that I didn’t think I would ever allow myself to reach, but then I have been living through ego and letting my ego be the boss of my life. And it’s not surprising when how the ego is in control, I feel totally out of control. The ego is not me…not my true self therefore, the feelings of being out of control of my life, support the fact that I am not in control – the ego is.
This isn’t the first time my ego has been in control – to some greater or lesser degree it always has. Most unenlightened humans live through the form of ego and not self. And I realized that it takes a continual awareness of the presence of ego…a conscious effort to be present, when the ego at every opportunity, strives to shun the present moment, and live and feed on the drama from the identifiable past and the anticipated future, in order to quiet and diminish the ego. The self can then shine. This is called ‘enlightenment’.
Although I am aware of this, I somehow forgot over the past year or so. I hate to admit that my ego has been in control, not always but certainly a lot…but hey, it is what it is. And admitting it, and recognizing when it is, gives it less power so that I can create the space to understand just where I have been operating from, and free myself from its hold.
Let me start from the beginning. It all started a little over a year ago when I allowed the ego to make the present moment not important. All I thought about was the future, any moment but the NOW. I made the present moment ‘a means to an end’, and all I wanted to do was fast forward out of the NOW and into the future. It doesn’t matter the reason. All that mattered was that I didn’t want to be where I was and getting to the future was my goal.
At the time, my life felt okay, knowing that what I wanted seemed so close. I was willing to live and be in my life knowing that the future I desired was near. But as I got closer to the future, and my life remained the same, the NOW that felt okay, no longer felt okay. The ego is addicted to drama and unhappiness. And negative thoughts fed and perpetuated the unhappiness inside of me. My ego gained strength, and living off of my negative thoughts, gained momentum as a powerful voice in my head, running my thoughts.
Then I began to see my life as an ‘obstacle’. My life was a problem that was in the way of my future. And I began to notice that everywhere I turned, my ego presented me with more problems, more obstacles. I became impatient and frustrated because my life felt out of control. Problem after problem kept arising, and the more upset I became, the more my ego lashed out, loving every dramatic moment and wanting more.
My ego, desperate to thrive by living off of my negative thoughts, peaked a few months ago. It was then that I made my life, my enemy. I found myself literally unable to bear my life, not to mention accepting myself. I was not only ‘just noticing’ but I was also ‘judging’. I was living in the past and blaming all that I could on anybody and anything that prevented me from getting what I wanted, including myself and any important decisions that I had made in my past that led me to where I am at today. It has not been a joyful experience but one that I evidently brought upon myself through thought.
It was a very dark place for me to be, and the worst part of it was that I felt very alone, with all of my negative thoughts. My thoughts created my emotions that ran the gamut of fear and anxiety, to regret, and ended deep in anger. And anger is where I have been biding my time until my desired future was attained. And through this, as I attacked my enemy, my life, my life retaliated as any enemy would. It was as if my life was saying, “You want war? You’ve got it.”
It wasn’t until I had a quiet moment and with the help of my two most inspiring books (Creative Visualization and A New Earth), was I able to see that I was living in a very destructive manner and that my ego had moved in permanently and taken over.
One morning I picked up the book ‘A New Earth’ and just opened it. No surprise, the page that I opened to was the exact page that I needed to read – the chapter: The Ego and The Present Moment. (page 200) It wasn’t until I read that chapter that I realized that I was not going with the flow of life…that I was struggling and fighting it…that I was resisting what is and making my life an enemy. I was blaming the past and living in the future. The present moment, the NOW, had no purpose.
Funny how I have read this book two times before and as I began to read it again, I felt like I was reading it for the first time. Now I know why Oprah read this book seven times. It takes quite a few times for information to really sink in and stick. So I began to read it over again…
I then chose to look at life differently, get okay with the present moment and be friendly with life. It was when I consciously decided to make my life my friend, by accepting the present moment, that things began to change, and my negative thoughts and emotions no longer lived with me permanently waiting in a dormant state for the perfect moment or the right trigger to show face. I have consciously had to make this decision daily, of making life my friend, in order to not regress and be prisoner to my ego again.
So I ask the questions daily: What is my relationship with life, with the present moment? Am I making life my friend? And every day, I will continue to ask those questions until making life my friend becomes my natural state. I am not there yet. And the only way to make life my friend is to leave the past and future alone and live in the present moment, the NOW, for it is all that I have. The past is done and the future has not arrived yet.
That is not to say that one cannot have future goals, desires, needs. On the contrary, one can still set goals creating what one wants in life and yet, be here, in the NOW, letting go of attachments and desires. How one does that is by simply letting go and going with the flow of life.
Here is a little story from the book Creative Visualization that I think explains it metaphorically perfect:
Let us imagine that life is a river. Most people are clinging to the bank, afraid to let go and risk being carried along by the current of the river. At a certain point each person must be willing to simply let go, and trust the river to carry him or her along safely. At this point he learns to ‘go with the flow’, and it feels wonderful.
Once he has gotten used to being in the flow of the river, he can begin to look ahead and guide his own course onward, deciding where the course looks best, steering his way around boulders and snags, and choosing which of the many channels and branches of the river he prefers to follow, all the while still ‘going with the flow’.
I love this analogy. It shows how one can truly enjoy the here and NOW, flowing with life and with what is, while still consciously guiding one’s life toward their goals, and by taking responsibility for creating their own lives.
This is also not to say that by accepting what is one can use going with the flow as an excuse to be complacent. The Serenity Prayer expresses this perfectly:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Why am I telling you this? Well, partially because making my personal state of being public makes it feel like I’m not so alone in this. I know there are readers out there who can relate to some degree or another. I know I am not alone when it comes to the ego. Perhaps me speaking about my challenges here will speak to you somewhere in your subconscious and you will have an ‘aha’ moment that inspires you to learn more. Whether I hear about it from you or not is not important. However my ego would love to make it important, of course :). I also bring it up because I feel that my state of being is a reflection of the world, and the world is also a reflection of my state of being. Ergo, It is my responsibility to be friendly with life, and have that reflect out into the world.
So, if any of what I have written resonates with you at all, or if you just don’t get it, and you’re wanting to know more, I do suggest picking up these two books:
Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain. I first read this 25 years ago and it is still a favorite, and a very easy read. Besides being a fantastic book on creating what you want through visualization, if you are into meditating, there are some very good meditations throughout the book.
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I first started reading this about 2 years ago and it continues to inspire me. I’ve blogged about Tolle’s teachings several times here, but I have barely scratched the surface. These books are my modern bibles that give me a quick jolt into the present moment should I feel myself drifting to the past or future in a destructive way. Hence, I bring them with me everywhere..
It has been painful being a person who tends to rethink my past over and over, and push for the future, thanks to my drama seeking ego. So for me to stay present is a challenge, but I am committed to it. And I am grateful for the lessons along the way. Remember, being patient is key, especially in regards to yourself. So be patient with yourself. Self growth is a conscious effort that is continual throughout life.
Peace out.
Lastly, greed over a great story is surfacing from my ‘loyal’(?) readers. With all this back and forth about who owns what, that appears on my blog, let me reiterate that all material posted on my blog becomes the sole property of my blog. If you want to reserve any proprietary rights don’t post it to my blog. I will prominently display this caveat on my blog from now on to remind those who may have forgotten this notice.
Gratefully your blog host,
michelle
Aka BABE: We all know what this means by now :)
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April 11th, 2010 at 11:10 am
Simply a great read. I will get the books
April 11th, 2010 at 11:23 am
A Landscaper’s Money-Saving Tricks for a Beautiful Yard
Kate Anchordoguy
Improvements in your yard and garden don’t have to cost a lot. Tricks for having the yard you want on a budget…
PLANTS
Buy plants in the smallest size available. If the same variety of plant comes in a five-gallon pot and a one-gallon pot, buy the smaller pot. Mature plants are more expensive — you are exchanging money for growing time. Smaller plants look more sparse at the beginning, but they grow faster than large plants.
Negotiate a discount. Once you have determined which plants you want and how many, consider purchasing them all at the same nursery.
You probably can negotiate a good price. The nursery also may be willing to hold your purchases for you until you are ready to plant them.
What to say: “Here is a list of the plants that I need. I would like to buy from you, but I also am shopping around for the best price. If I buy all the plants from you, what price would you be able to offer me?”
Shop roots, not top. Ask to see a nursery’s “hospital” — the place where plants that have cosmetic problems are kept.
Droopy or scorched plants with healthy roots that form a cohesive ball should do fine once they are planted. You can get these ugly ducklings for next to nothing.
Nursery plants look best in spring and progressively worse through summer and fall, when you can find bargains.
Move low-performing plants. A shrub or small tree that is getting too much shade or sun may thrive in a different spot. Dig a hole in the new location.
Then dig up the plant, getting as much of the roots as possible. After replanting, make sure that the new plant gets plenty of water for the first year or so.
In mild winter areas, the winter is the best time to plant. In areas where the ground freezes, fall or spring is better.
Summer is never ideal, but if you need to move a plant then, be extra vigilant that it does not dry out.
Start lawns from seed, not sod. A lawn grown from seed doesn’t provide the instant gratification of a sod lawn, but the preparation is nearly identical.
If you have the patience and are willing to keep dogs and children off the lawn for several months, you can save by using seed (where I live, you can save up to 30 cents a square foot). Your lawn also will be deeper rooted and healthier.
On the other hand, if you already have a lawn and it’s not doing well, don’t waste time and money tearing it out. Instead, mow the lawn very short.
Cover the area with sheets of newspaper, then a layer of topsoil or mulch, and plant on top of it — this works for seed, sod and other plantings.
SUPPLIES
Check online. Scan Craigslist.org for cast-off benches, decorative rocks, ceramics and plants. People sometimes offer these items at no cost just so that they don’t have to pay to have them hauled away.
Buy local. You may love the look of Arizona flagstone for a garden path, but if you live on the East Coast, you will pay a premium for it because of transportation costs.
Before setting your heart on a feature that you saw in a magazine or on a TV design show, spend a few hours walking around your local landscape supply store.
Get a feel for the range of materials available and how much they cost. Keep an open mind. Rock from a nearby quarry may be just as elegant, and far less expensive, than the current fad.
Buy in bulk. Soil, mulch and gravel are cheaper in bulk from landscape stores than bagged from hardware or big-box stores.
Measure carefully. Ordering more material than you need is a waste of money. Ordering too little of what you need incurs extra charges to have the additional materials delivered.
Landscape supply yards use cubic yards for bulk orders of mulch, soil and gravel. To calculate cubic yards, multiply the square footage to be covered by the thickness (in inches) of what you need, then divide that number by 324.
Example: You need to cover a 1,000-square-foot area with three inches of mulch. Multiply 1,000 by 3, then divide that amount (3,000) by 324. You will need to order 9.25 cubic yards of mulch.
LEARN FROM THE EXPERTS
The more you know, the more you can do yourself. Call on the expertise of Master Gardeners — volunteers who have received intensive training in horticulture from university extension agents. They offer affordable workshops and advice. To find Master Gardeners in your state,
visit http://www.ahs.org/master_gardeners. Also, community colleges and adult-education programs may offer low-cost gardening courses.
Check your newspaper’s home-and-garden section for talks and tours. In addition to sharing ideas about gardening, the speakers and attendees at these events often can recommend sources for cheap and sometimes even free materials.
Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Kate Anchordoguy, a licensed landscape contractor and designer in Sebastopol, California. She has advised consumers as a Master Gardener through University of California Cooperative Extension Service and is author of Dig This! Landscaping Without a Backhoe or a Big Budget for Northern California and Beyond (Sasquatch). Her Web site is http://www.landscapekate.com.
April 11th, 2010 at 12:08 pm
Zen Lill
I hope you are okay. We miss hearing from you. My cheeks are so firm my girl friend can bounce a coin off them. I love my new look. It is so nice to be happy when the sun presents itself for shorts and the like.
please check in so that we know that you are okay.
Love
Ma Qin
April 11th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
Michelle
Your comments today really made me think. I have been on a path of self destruction for two years now. My wife and friends say I need to take a look at my life and decide to make a change.
You have started something in me that I can not explain. But I feel that I can start over now. I feel that you have pointed me in the right direction.
Thank you
Roger.
April 11th, 2010 at 6:07 pm
What a wonderful piece of writing Michelle. You are discovering yourself at an opportune time. Why not come to India for the Kumbh.
It is the largest religious gathering in the world and millions of people gather over a three month period every twelve years at one of four cities in India. This festival dates back at least two thousand years, and is where holy men and religious teachers from all over India gather and share their spiritual knowledge.
I would love to sponsor you. My village would love to have the great Michelle discover herself among us.
Madhu
April 12th, 2010 at 4:36 am
Michelle
I would like to invite you to come to Haridwar for your Enlightenment search. It is wear Maha Kumbh Mela is happening.
April 12th, 2010 at 5:01 am
Hafa adai
This is not my best subject. I am a catholic that is tired of being disrespected by white men dressed as representatives of God using their positions to sexually abuse our youth.
by Lannie Walker
_________________________________
The Butt Rustlers are at it again. When are we going to wake up and kick the pedophiles off our island?
Peter
by Lannie Walker
Guam – The story of priests accused of sexual abuse is one that’s made national headlines. And now, the issue is now hitting closer to home.
Allegations of sexual abuse by priests on Guam are yet to be addressed by Archbishop Anthony Apuron, but The Vatican may soon outline the process of how priests are removed from the clergy.
In a statement released today by the president of the Survivors Network for those Abused by Priests Barbara Blaine, she writes, “Vatican officials are reportedly posting an online guide to its long-secret, convoluted policy about defrocking priests.”
“Well,” said one island resident, “I think it’s a problem the church is dealing with now. I’m glad to see it is dealing with it – it’s been a problem for hundreds of years; it’s just so easy to shove it aside.”
But the Catholic Church may be shoving aside a greater issue, according to Blaine, who calls the move by The Vatican progress, but says, “There always have been and will be predator priests.
Their crimes will continue to be concealed, however, until reckless, callous and deceitful church employees are severely disciplined. Unfortunately, no one in the Catholic hierarchy is even talking about, much less doing anything about, this larger, tougher problem.”
SNAP has named Capuchin friar Randy Nowak as allegedly involved in sexual abuse in New York prior to coming Guam, and most recently questioning the past of Father Raymond Cepeda, which they questioned why he was allegedly defrocked.
A resident said, “I heard it, but I don’t want to listen to it…it’s best that we just pray for our priest because I am pretty sure whatever happened way back, I’m pretty sure our priest here will be alright.”
As the public waits for a response from the Archdiocese, Guam residents continue to speak out.
_________________________________
April 12th, 2010 at 5:14 am
Become a Master Gardener
The American Horticultural Society (AHS) Master Gardener program provides avid gardeners with many hours of extensive horticulture training, and in return, they are expected to volunteer in their communities.
Master Gardeners assist with garden lectures, exhibits, demonstrations, school and community gardening, research and many other projects.
It’s an excellent way to develop superior gardening skills while being active in your community.
For more information and the locations of local Master Gardener programs across all 50 states and Canada, visit http://www.ahs.org and click on “Master Gardeners.”
April 12th, 2010 at 5:36 am
Hafa adai
Peter, you are too harsh on the Church. It is only the actions of two individuals. Its a shame if the congregation knew of these acts and hush-hushed the whole thing.
Charles
April 12th, 2010 at 5:47 am
I am Japanese. I remember when white men came to our home in Indiana and systematically took whatever they wanted.
They talked real nice while they confiscated all the valuable items my parents had brought here from japan. All our white neighbors turned against us.
They lined up outside our homes and waited to rush in and loot what was left as we were dragged off to a concentration camp.
The whites called it something else, but it was a concentration camp. We were put in a barn on a farm two other families were forced to share the space with us.
We had to make all our on needs, It was a concentration camp just not with the ovens. Whites seem to have a way of justifying their cruelty to others in a way that makes them almost unhuman.
They can rally around the most hideous acts they as a race commit towards others. I am 80 years old and I have not lived to see an apology from my fellow white americans for locking me and my family up against our will.
I do not hate the whites. But if there are aliens that eat people, I wish the bon appetite should the meat be white.
Cindi
April 12th, 2010 at 5:51 am
Subject: Take two aspirin…
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year for their amusement.
Here are last year’s winners…
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
April 12th, 2010 at 6:20 am
Men get their little hearts broken so easily. We as women are supposed to move heaven and hell to soothe them.
My husband discovered that I had an affair, he was so hurt that he shot himself. Fortunately, for him his head was harder than the .22 he used to kill himself.
It fractured his skull but didn’t do any other damage. He spent a week in the hospital and returned to me and the family.
i gave up the affair and lived faithfully with him for the next 21 years. It wasn’t until last year that I found out that he had been having affairs with women through our whole marriage before I cheated on him and after.
I waited for three months before I took my revenge. We cremated the body so I don’t have to worry about an autopsy. Yes, i did him in and I am glad of it.
This story does have a happy ending though. My affair buried the lady he married after I turned down his proposal to return to my husband.
He had been keeping up with me. After his wife died in 2003. We married three months after I burnt that bastard and flushed his ashes down the toilet.
Men, I told this one if he cheats on me I will kill him. I know he believes me.
April 12th, 2010 at 6:34 am
Cindi
I am sorry about what happened to you. I am only 19 but i want you to know that I am sorry about what my race did to you. I would not have stood for that.
I also know that many of my friends would not have stood for it either. All whites are not cruel. We as a race have hearts too.
If I could apologize for all that happened to you because of my race’s bigotry, I would. But I am not an official or anything. I wish you the best.
Harmon
April 12th, 2010 at 7:19 am
Michelle,
I do hope you find what you are looking for.
April 12th, 2010 at 8:28 am
Cindi
Hate is not a color thing. We chinese hated the Japanese for decades after the war. My cousin was ostracized for marring a half japanese and half chinese.
He lost contact with all his relatives for 14 years. Hatred is wasted on a race. Hate the deeds but do not color everyone for the deeds of a past deed.
Choi
April 12th, 2010 at 10:22 am
Al
Are you still here? I know that Howie seems to be reluctant to talk about aliens anymore. Is that because he is gone or is he afraid of government interference?
Lisa