Flap Your Lips Friday
Posted by Michelle Moquin on January 24th, 2014
Good morning!
Since this writer (Gotta love this girl.) received many comments from so many of you, I wanted to post a follow-up. I think you’ll like it too.
Lacking Liberation: On Conflating ‘Sexual Objectification’ with ‘Sexual Empowerment’
January 23, 2013 | by Melissa A. Fabello
Recently, I made a video – called, appropriately, “Party Girl Pop: Empowerment or Sexism?” – wherein I question Ke$ha and Katy Perry lyrics, the messages that they present to mainstream culture, and whether or not one can be sexually empowered if the sexual expression being presented is commodified.
That is, if the sexuality being sold by the media is one that subjugates women and pushes willing objectification off as sexual ownership, then when we buy into and mirror it, are we really experiencing liberation?
Or are we still caught in the clutches of patriarchal ideology, participating in the reworked script of what womanhood means?
Soon after the release of my video, I found in my e-mail inbox a link to a Cameron Diaz quote where she purports: “I think every woman does want to be objectified,” adding that it’s healthy for at least some part of you to feel that way. It’s, apparently, “empowering.”
Sigh. Thank you, pop culture, for proving my points for me, as you so aptly do, again and again.
And while I understand what she was getting at (I think – I hope – that she meant that it feels good to feel sexually desirable), it’s dangerous for people to be further exposed to this myth that being objectified and autonomous can not only coexist, but are one in the same thing.
Inherent in the very words and their respective definitions is a disparity.
Sexual empowerment is active. It’s ownership. Autonomous. Self-serving.
Objectification, on the other hand, is a passive relenting of control. It’s powerless. Self-sacrificial.
And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with power play and feeling objectified, it is another thing entirely to be actually thought of as a sexual object.
It’s the difference between the delicious hunger in my partner’s eyes when my bra comes off and the disgusted, dejected way that I feel when a construction worker tells me that he wants a piece.
The problem with the conflation of “owner” and “object” is that it perpetuates the idea that female sexuality is for everyone except the woman in question. It gives cadence to the bullsh*t social myth that powerful female sexuality equals pleasing partners, rather than knowing and pleasing oneself.
It’s why I, as a teenager, measured my being “good in bed” by having boyfriends bragging in locker rooms about my wild ways.
It’s why it never occurred to me before I was older that being a good sexual partner meant being versatile and flexible, communicative and compassionate, that it meant having agency and demanding respect.
Because all around us is this idea that we, as women, gain sexual respect by being the most innocently seductive or by giving the best blow-jobs – sexual acts that have little-to-nothing to do with our own physical pleasure and satisfaction.
This explains why recently on my sex advice blog, a young woman wrote in, describing that she’s “okay” with and has “gotten used to” the fact that her boyfriend never even touches her.
“When I asked him about it,” she went on, “he said it ‘just doesn’t occur’ to him to touch me.”
Well, why would it? If society tells him that a woman’s satisfaction is based entirely on how well she (or you know, her body) satisfies a male counterpart, it wouldn’t occur to him.
And apparently it doesn’t occur to Cameron Diaz either.
The thing is – the façades of empowerment and liberation that the media puts forth – and questioning whether or not they’re legitimate, or just sexism presented in a shiny new package – can be difficult territory to navigate.
On the one hand, we want so badly to believe, for instance, that the Spice Girls really did represent girl power and celebrate individuality.
On the other, as grown adults and self-identified feminists, though, we also have to recognize the way that they were caricatures of types of womanhood, pushing outdated stereotypes themselves – and oh-so-conveniently doing everything in short skirts and hot pants.
And therein lies the problem. Because it’s not that short skirts and hot pants (as symbols of an unbridled, honest, if-you’ve-got-it-flaunt-it brand of sexuality) can’t be feminist or empowering. Because they can!
The questions though, in regards to the Spice Girls or any pre-packaged variety of sexuality, are – who produced this? And why do they want me to consume it?
And when it comes to the popular notion that powerful female sexuality is found in wielding sexualization and reveling in objectification, I’d argue that it’s being force-fed to us to keep us in our place.
Because the only thing that’s changed in regards to culture’s rules governing how and why women should be sexual is that we’ve been convinced by the powers that be that being objects (of the male gaze, of course) is what we, women, want.
It sounds a lot like an “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” mentality to me.
Because are we really being empowered if we’re subscribing to what’s still the patriarchal ideal – a new-and-not-so-improved script for what a woman’s sexualityshould be?
I think not.
This brand of faux-empowerment, the kind that Cameron Diaz is referring to when she suggests that within objectification can be found autonomy, isn’t revolutionary.
It’s commodified. And in the words of Jessica Valenti in her book, Full-Frontal Feminism, “Selling a commercialized sexuality to women…as a way to be ‘liberated’ is pretty lame.”
Melissa A. Fabello is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism, a feminist blogger and vlogger, as well as an online peer sex educator, based out of Philadelphia. She is a second-year graduate student, working on an M.Ed. in Human Sexuality. She can be reached on Twitter @fyeahmfabello.
*****
Readers: I guess I don’t need to tell you what day it is…or what to do. :) All I can say is I am soo happy it’s Friday!
Peace & Love.
Lastly, greed over a great story is surfacing from my “loyal”(?) readers. With all this back and forth about who owns what, that appears on my blog, let me reiterate that all material posted on my blog becomes the sole property of my blog. If you want to reserve any proprietary rights don’t post it to my blog. I will prominently display this caveat on my blog from now on to remind those who may have forgotten this notice.
Gratefully your blog host,
michelle
Aka BABE: We all know what this means by now :)
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January 24th, 2014 at 1:33 pm
Exactly, Michelle, I often find myself asking who is responsible for this any what’s in it for them.
January 24th, 2014 at 3:57 pm
Howie, I am a devoted fan. You are the best thing on this blog.
January 24th, 2014 at 5:45 pm
This brings up all that chatter about waiting the 90 days, etc. for me. If woman want to fuck, we should be allowed to fuck, without playing waiting games. Why do we have to still have a double standard???!
January 24th, 2014 at 10:38 pm
Mon dieu, this is such a long convo I think ill just leave it at this: Bee, U are my new girl crush : )
Mwah – Zen Lill
January 24th, 2014 at 10:56 pm
Bee, you do mean ‘fuck’ in the body, speech, mind and spirit sense of the word, yes?
Bc – want to make sure I’m crushing on one who knows the depths of what the word itself never covers. I’m just digging that you brought up and partially dissected a part a much larger feminist convo.
And I love ‘fyeah…’ twitter name, that’s awesome.
-ZL
January 26th, 2014 at 5:15 am
Bee that’t the kind of psycho babble that men put into women’s mouths so they can get a cheap fuck. What does a woman get out of allowing a man to use her vagina like an ashtray?
Oh, yeah, according to you, she gets to be like a man.
Stupid is what stupid is.
January 26th, 2014 at 5:27 am
Bee you are an idiot or a man pretending to be for an easy fuck. That line I don’t like women who play waiting games is used on just about every dating site by men who join to gain access to easy pussy from idiots like you.
The simply fact is we “play waiting games” in every aspect of our like when it involves a serious investment of our time or money. Who you that about looking for a house or buying a car or selecting a mate for life?
No, but here you are suggesting that encouraging women to just go with their urges. Whatever a man tells you to get fucked before the 90 days will be there after the 90 days. The only question is will he.
January 26th, 2014 at 5:30 am
Bee women like you who don’t believe they can hold a man UNLESS they allow him to fuck them, are the main ones making your stupid assertion that you don’t like playing waiting games.
I’m okay with it if you just do it and keep your advice to yourself. I mean after the man gets his kicks from your kind, he will undoubtedly come to women like me who make them at least act like he wants more from me than a quick fuck.
January 26th, 2014 at 5:32 am
Bee what time zone did you crawl out from? You don’t like playing waiting games? But you do like playing I’m your fuck puppet.
January 26th, 2014 at 5:37 am
Bee what’s this “double standard” crap? No one is saying a woman is a slut because she fucks before the 90 days, the accurate statement is that she is STUPID. If you are thirsty, you don’t drink from the first source that becomes available.
That is your body you are so anxious to give to a man because you want to be his equal. Excuse me a man can’t be raped by a woman. We are different, physiologically and psychologically. That is a fact.
Attempting to look over that doesn’t make you a slut, just ignorant.
January 26th, 2014 at 5:42 am
Bee, no one is saying a woman shouldn’t be allowed to fuck before the 90 days only that like crossing the street because it is dangerous she should look before she attempts it.
Fucking whenever you want is always your option. But the wiser thing is to make a man wait before you give him your body. This is something you are not telling him, but something you use as a tool to measure his worth. It is not infallible, but it certainly weeds out the useless fucks and the LSOS players.
January 26th, 2014 at 5:53 am
Bee, you need a big brother who will sit down and explain how men think. You may not care what men think of you, but if you are looking to snag more than a man with a loose dick in his pants, you had better be concerned.
January 26th, 2014 at 5:55 am
Bee:
By that logic you could say I should be able to wear whatever I want to work or to go looking for a job because it is what’s in my head that counts not what’s on my body. Good lucK with that attitude.
The same is true of your “double standard” argument. If it gets around that you can be fucked easily, no amount of “I should be able to fuck who I want and when I want “will same your reputation from being considered a slut.
You may be content not getting a shot at the best jobs by your attitude about your attire and you may be content about your “double standard” attitude but in both cases you will have to settle for the lesser job and the lesser man because both will be chasing the candidate that exhibits the societal standards that suggest they have the better chance for a quality product whether that be a job applicant or a woman that would be good life partner or mother.
So go ahead be the easy lay. Just be aware that that man you fucked so quickly because you wanted a fuck is telling everyone he knows what an easy lay you are, NOT how special you are because you don’t accept the “double standard.”
When you notice that the quality men won’t touch you with the 10 foot pole, then you can hold your head up proudly and say “If women want to fuck, we should be allowed to fuck, without playing waiting games.”
That’ll work.
January 26th, 2014 at 6:04 am
Bee, absolutely the most ignorant piece of babble I had from a woman on this blog. You have to be a guy pretending to be a woman. Or a woman who feels she has nothing to offer in a relationship but her pussy.
January 26th, 2014 at 6:05 am
Bee, you are the one employing the “double standard” by assuming that the reason a woman is waiting 90 days is to be different from a man. A woman should wait at least 90 days to protect herself from the psychological and emotional distress that can occur when she trust a man for his word.
A man will say anything to get into a woman’s panties. The wise woman knows that and seeks to even the playing field by using time. If you don’t care who puts a dick into your vagina, go ahead and fuck who you want to. But don’t claim you are doing it because you don’t like the “double standard.”
January 26th, 2014 at 6:07 am
Bee, I couldn’t stop laughing when I read your blond joke. “Double Standard” Who do you think made it a “Standard” to fuck on the first date. Only a blond would believe that that is a standard she should want to emulate so that she could be a man’s equal.
LOL
January 26th, 2014 at 6:08 am
Bee, What fucking standard was set that it is okay for two human beings to start sharing the private parts of their bodies without a suitable time of decision?
Well let’s see who benefits.
Duh, men.
Fucking on the first date is no Standard. It is just something men propose to fuck your dumb blond ass. Get a clue.
January 26th, 2014 at 6:12 am
Seriously, Bee. You can’t believe that I am going to feel that you are my equal because you give me some pussy on the first date because you are liberated and a girl should be able to fuck who she wants when she wants.
No, I won’t feel you are my equal, neither will I feel you are a slut, or lesser than I am. But I will fuck you, cautiously, with a condom of course because I won’t know who or how many cowboys have ridden that horse before I get my turn in the saddle.
Neither will I ever consider making that bronco my prize stallion. It’s obviously been taken down the road too often.
January 26th, 2014 at 6:24 am
Bee, c’on, You can’t be telling women that fucking a man when he wants to get fucked because you want some dick is the same as making you break that “double standard?”
That’s just too silly to be taken seriously. Would you give that advice to your daughters? “Go ahead child if you get the urge fuck the guy.” I doubt it because then you would hear how ignorant you would sound.
The woman who accepts your “double standard” argument as a reason to even consider your advice is either too dumb to know better or feels that her body is all she has to bring to a relationship or to hold a partner.
I say partner because I am a lesbian, and my opinions about easy sex applies to both. I cruise a lot. I fuck a lot. Women who go to bed with me without much time between the time we meet and the time we sleep, I have found to be emotionally immature.
They are the ones that form attachments too quickly, and the ones who don’t understand when I say “It’s over,” I mean it’s over!
Time is a tool intelligent human beings use to help them make critical decisions. If you are saying who you allow to put a strange dick between your legs isn’t a critical decision, the more power to you.
But by any standard that is stupid.
January 26th, 2014 at 6:39 am
Bee, the whole premise of the article you are making your argument against is that there is NO standard. It was something men set up to control women. When you fuck someone should be decided the say way as when you decide to drink from someone’s glass.
You may not wait at least 90 days, but you will put some time into it. If you know that men would just grab that glass and suck swill from the previous user of the glass would you be so anxious to do it because you want to even if you were thirsty?
I doubt it. But here you are advocating doing something potentially more damaging to your body and personal health. I trust you are not the chief influence of any maturing females out there. God knows you could be ruing the mental and physical health of those young females.
I understand your predicament. You probably have done just what you are advocating to your regret or because you were judged badly because of it.
I’m sorry for you. But it wasn’t the “double standard” that cause the negative results you experienced. I was you lack of thoughtful consideration of the gravity of the issue.
Allowing someone that kind of intimacy into your life, evolves more that the feelings one gets from an orgasm. Men who go into that arena, have only the risk of an STD or unwanted pregnancy.
We women risk a lot more when we put ourselves into a position
January 26th, 2014 at 6:44 am
Bee, don’t pay attention to those crackling hens. If you want to give a man some pussy, don’t play games with him. I wouldn’t respect a woman just because she waited 90 days to fuck me. I’d just put the whores on a 90 day period.
After I had 90 of the cunts, I would be getting fucked regularly.
January 26th, 2014 at 6:52 am
Bee, Most men have an arbitrary time in their heads they use to judge the quality of the woman they are with when it comes to when she fucks him. That’s just the way it is. You can argue all you want but that’s the way most men’s minds work.
So if you want to be considered seriously by a man as more than just an easy lay, don’t be one. I have been around the block a few times and I can tell you that a woman who gives it up in a man’s mind too quickly NEVER gets his total trust or respect.
When you think about it why would he? He knows what he was thinking when he attempted to spread her legs. He really doesn’t care what she was thinking. All the facts show is that she was an easy fuck.
The man feels that if he could fuck her that easy so could any other man, “Where’s the value in that?”
January 26th, 2014 at 6:56 am
Why are women complaining when we think them sluts for being a cheap lay. Do they value Channel bag equally with a Macy’s bag? No, because one is cheap.
If I had considered a woman for marriage and one of my friends told me she had a history of fucking at will, I would dump the slut in a minute. I don’t care how much emotional investment I had made in the relationship if it was proved that she could not take the time to distinguish between the men she spread her legs for no way would I be the laughing stock among my friends and or associates.
January 26th, 2014 at 7:06 am
My Uncle called me and said read Michelle’s blog. I hope you won’t be listening to your Zen Lill this time. She admires a slut who is trying to excuse her behavior by claiming she is breaking the double standard.
I usually read your blog religiously Michelle, but wouldn’t you know it, the first time I have to set up a bridal shower and I miss, my gay uncle is calling me to tell me that he knows more about being a woman than I do.
This time he was right about Bee#3. Girl, are you serious? Go ahead carry that banner. See how far that gets you.
I don’t mess with men who have the reputation of fucking anything that will put out and I don’t associate with girls who do the same.
Both are tramps or are too stupid to realize the risks they take in those situations. I wouldn’t trust either around anyone I cared about, they are just to predatory.
Sorry, I have more to say but I have a shower to plan.