How Bad Times Can Become Good Beginnings
Posted by Michelle Moquin on July 1st, 2009
Well I guess I’m on a roll with this relationship thing. If I’m going to find good advice for going through the big “D”, I might as well end it in a positive note too, with a new beginning. This article isn’t about divorce, but divorce can be tough…the big “D”- ‘Divorce’ can be big “D” – ‘Difficult’. This article is all about making it through those difficult times by….
FINDING STRENGTH IN THE FACE OF TRAGEDY
Glance at the front page of any newspaper these days and odds are good you will see the words “hard times.” Our national problems are spawning many personal woes, it’s true, but personal hard times can strike at any point… in your relationships, on the job, with the kids, and, of course, in matters of health. As life coach and Daily Health News frequent contributor Lauren Zander says, “Eventually your number is going to come up — bad stuff happens to everyone.” She is quick to add that while there is much you can do to prevent trouble, some of it is simply the unfolding of life. The challenge, she says, is to accept life’s blows as part of the journey, to learn from them and emerge stronger and wiser, rather than to create unnecessary drama that drags you down a path of misery.
We deal with hard times in several predictable ways. One approach is to cower and complain and use your bad luck to fuel comparisons to the experiences of others: “You think that’s bad, wait till you hear what happened to me!” But no one can possibly judge another’s hard time or determine whose is worse. Your tough time is tough and it is yours. Then there are those who take this concept of ownership too far, says Lauren, wrapping their hardship in a shroud of secrecy — such as the guy who got fired but tells nearly no one, pretending to many in his life that it simply didn’t happen. Or the person who suffers silently as a close family member spirals downward from substance abuse. Attempting to hide a hard time shows you don’t understand the most basic thing about it – everyone gets kicked by life sooner or later. Lauren’s advice is to accept what happens in much the way we accept puberty — as a part of life filled with challenges and all sorts of feelings, including humiliation. We all experienced it and we all understand.
THE UPSIDE OF BAD THINGS
Being open about what is happening in your life offers several specific benefits. First it allows you to demonstrate your attitude toward the matter, and thus signal to others what you would like from them, be it a lot of help or a little. It also helps you process your emotions, far better than stuffing them inside and hoping they’ll stay put. When you’re having marital trouble, for instance, the last thing you might want from a friend is for her to turn into Sally Sunshine, reassuring you earnestly that everything will be just fine… but, on the other hand, you won’t benefit from constant hand-wringing and shrill assessments about how awful it all is. Hard times make people feel separate and isolated from others and, to some degree, from life itself. Try to let people around you know that you don’t want them to over- or under-respond to your struggle. Help them understand how to be supportive.
In fact, the second benefit of sharing bad news is just that — an important opportunity to gather support. Many people secretly crave more attention from friends and loved ones than they get on a day-to-day basis. Ironically, tragedy can open that door, bringing you emotional support you need, which makes you feel loved. Be frank with others that you are devastated by debt, a diagnosis, a divorce… it will tell your friends and family that you need comfort and attention. Keeping matters to yourself will cut you off from what you need most.
FINDING THE WAY
Seen in the rearview mirror, hard times offer the opportunity to see how difficulties in the past have contributed to who you are today. To learn how the patterns and personality you developed over the years has shaped how you react to difficulties, Lauren urges you not to wait for another to hit. Make a list of awful experiences in your life, along with what you did to handle them — for better or for worse. Maybe you demonstrated amazing pluck publicly but consoled yourself each evening with pints of ice cream. Perhaps you shared nasty stories about the lover or boss who spurned you at every opportunity, but then cleaned every closet, lost 10 pounds and went to the gym daily. Or maybe you mostly just sat home and closed off the world. “The crucial thing to explore in this exercise is whether your pattern involved withdrawing… being destructive… or making changes that turned out to be productive. The more you know from your history including the traps you fall into and the ways you strengthen yourself to emerge better from a tough event, the better equipped you are to handle the hard times in the future,” points out Lauren.
For all the pain hard times cause, the truth is they also come bearing a gift… really. Hard times force change. At first you probably won’t like it, says Lauren, but a change — however dumped on you — presents the opportunity to do something different. Look around at those you know who were suddenly faced with loneliness during early retirement who started volunteering and met a whole new group of friends… who lost their home in a fire or flood and took the opportunity, then, to rebuild something they liked even better… or emerged from a painful breakup more capable and independent with a life that is more interesting, exciting and satisfying. And, there are many, many stories of cancer survivors who found an entirely new perspective on life after their diagnosis and treatment.
MAKE A PLAN
When life wallops you, Lauren says it is totally reasonable to throw a pity party and lick your wounds and feel dreadful about what has happened… for a while. (This advice does not pertain to people dealing with the death of a loved one — bereavement is a separate issue and for that Lauren recommends finding one of many excellent bereavement experts to help guide you through.) You need this time to process the event and your feelings. You may even benefit from joining a group with whom you can share your feelings and thoughts if, for example, your teenager is in trouble or a spouse is seriously ill. This can help you to work through feelings faster and more thoroughly, says Lauren. Whether in a group or by yourself, the trap to avoid as you process your pain is blame… be it the world, your genes, your rotten luck or that old standby, other people. Blaming turns people into victims, a true no-win position.
How long you devote to feeling sorry for yourself depends on the harshness of the blow and the reality of your current situation. If money is tight and you just lost your job, you obviously need to get a new one fast. Find people to talk to who will bring a fresh perspective. It is also important to do good things for yourself such as getting out for a long walk or taking a yoga class. “Seek out activities that are healthy and cathartic and will distract you from your problems. This will help re-engage you in what is good about life,” says Lauren. Now is the time to refer to your list of past challenges… what were the skills you saw in yourself that you can draw on now to move ahead? Did you divert your attention to avoid behavior that would be unproductive? Did you get back on the metaphorical horse and try again? Lauren recommends that her clients use the strength they gained from the past, avoid what didn’t work and learn even more from the current problem. Whatever you do, don’t give up and give in. As Lauren says, “However bad it might seem at the outset, a hard time is yet another chance to rise to the occasion with choices and behavior that will turn you into a hero in your own life.”
Source(s): Lauren Zander, founder and chairman, HandelGroup, a private coaching and corporate consulting company, www.handelgroup.com.
As I read this article, the saying, ‘And this too shall pass’ keeps popping up. And as much as I know this to be true, sometimes it is very frustrating when you find yourself saying, ‘And this too shall pass’….way too many times during the week or even during the day. Enough already! But kidding aside, there is some good advice here. ‘Accept and learn’…because although ‘And this too shall pass’, whatever just passed might come back and bite you in the ass if you didn’t accept the situation and learn something from it. Remember: “What you resist persists.” Got it? Aren’t you just hating me right now?
************
Mendy: I aims to please – enjoy that little mission. :)
Anna: That artists’ corner sounds awesome. You sure are tapped into ‘la scene’ in Guam. When I make it over to the island some day I would love for you and Peter to take me around. Hafa Adai.
Thanks too for sharing the article on Presnell. With women being considered and treated as second class citizens in Iran, the double standard that Presnell spoke of, doesn’t surprise me. The women have a huge challenge on their hands.
Brenda: And there’s attitude behind my talk and shake within my walk too, girl :) Stay tuned for more hot topics.
Janet: Well…I am delighted that your mother turned you on to tune in. Maybe she knew that two-timer of yours was supporting a little on the side – you know mothers and their keen instincts when it comes to their children. I ought to know – my mother taps into it all of the time. I’m sure that you’ll make the right decision for yourself.
Lois & Martha: My pleasure. And thanks for the post on Franken – this is good news! – you too Thomas.
Bobby: Your un-edited townhall post just leaves me stunned. Isn’t it the repugs who get us into debt…you know the ones that claim to be so fiscally responsible, and the dems that pull them out of it EVERY time? Who reads and believes this propaganda?
Hey Zen Lill: I remember when your atty said that to you – we talked about it….’famous last words’ huh? I hope not for your sake, and that you are correct in your thoughts.
Brea: Me too, thanks. :)
Peace’n out again….
Gratefully your blog host,
michelle
Aka BABE: Your Bad Ass Bitch Editor
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July 1st, 2009 at 9:48 am
Now that the republican representatives are being found amoral we are being told to judge our representatives by their ability to conserve our money not their morals. Hypocrisy at its best.
How about those South Carolinians? The majority polled want him to stay in office. If it were a dem politician, his amoral behavior would have had these godly people rise up in union to say he can not be trusted. They never hold their representatives to the same standard those “moral” politicians judge others by.
Now the republican pundits are telling us our politicians don’t need public morality because the party that has claimed moral authority has been caught lying about that too. The problem is that white boys from both parties are the pundits on air 24/7 telling us that morals don’t matter any more.
Basically, white men are saying, if I cheat on my wife, so what, it doesn’t mean I am a liar in the rest of my life. You can still trust me to keep the dems from wasting your tax dollars and allowing the OTWs to acquire parity with whites in this country.
Oh, Howie you are despicable. And Zen Lill, what you find amusing about Howie says a lot more about who you are as a potential role model for women than what you say on your blog.
I will admit that it is very well written. I just wish it was more sincere.
Lloyd
July 1st, 2009 at 9:48 am
Howie
I have had an experience from “Carr.” It may not get you what you intended it to though. Yes, it did demonstrate its ability to control my existence. If Azza were here, we would have been compelled to obey. But she is not. Viv, Smiv, Adam, and the rest who are here have unanimously agreed that today is a good day to die.
That means that you will not be receiving any special treatment from us in any way. Unless Carr manipulates our characters and forces us to communicate with you this will be the last conversation you will have with any of us.
That dictum was actually unnecessary. I did not see your last two entries June 27th on the blog before I left or I would have responded. I am always interested in those that take an interest in science. Usually the big discoveries come from the casual observation; so it is wise to give everyone an opportunity to input.
Your statement “The Universe is Chaos trying to find order trying to find Chaos”. Is very close to the axiom our chief scientific alien community has arrived at after tens of millions of years of research. It is – The Known Universe is random seeking order seeking randomness.
Like your explanation’s reason, ours too is similar. We also believe that this is true because something is capable of altering our reality. It has the ability to constantly alter our concept of what makes a “whole” of the smallest unit known to us. We believe it is the unit that all things are made of. The inability definitely declare its composition deprives us of ever being able to arrive at a quantifiable unit to calculate with.
Hence our scientists are left with theoretical solutions unprovable mathematically. We, the masters of the known universe, know as little about its origin as those on the most primitive planet we may visit.
That is our connection with living beings throughout the Known Universe, our collective ignorance about our origins. Thus at once we are all the same albeit on different rungs of the evolutionary scale.
Your assertion that we are the product of the imagination of God(s) is as plausible as any other scientific assertion that we have been given by our most prestigious scientists. Perhaps another 100 million years of academic study will yield the answer, or perhaps not.
That would have been my response to your June 29th, 2009 at 7:47 am entry.
My response to your June 29th, 2009 at 8:07 am entry would have been to ask you to ask Carr; Why is the universe “constantly expanding?” And does he have anything to do with its expansion.
You say “He Loves to create.” What does he create and why? What exactly is it that “they” enjoy? How many are “they?” And how did “they” come into existence? Where do “they” reside? Do their powers require a concerted effort or can they “create” independently of each other?
As for your relationship with Carr, how did this relationship arrive? How long have you had it? And why do you feel it is such as it is?
After my brief encounter with Carr the other day, my questions would be: Why do you want to go any place with us? Carr has the capability to travel via thought, He seems to be able to do as he wishes the same way.
I am still not sure that I experienced what my instruments and my colleagues tell me must have occurred. So how do you know what is real and what is not? From my experience with Carr, you could already be out in space with us and still be experiencing what you are here with him and us. It would be his whims that would decide not yours or ours.
Hence your “patience” or anyone else’s would not matter. It is “its” or “their” whims that decide all things. But unlike the myths we create for lessor beings, this god(s) has no interest in being worshiped by those it has created. It would also appear that this god(s) has no interest in the affairs of its creations at all but for brief fits of amusement.
This knowledge could be too much for even the wisest of civilizations to absorb. Yet , if we must, the consolation would be that the god(s) permits each of us to experience its creations according to the wisdom we bring to the challenge.
Perhaps the wise alternative would be to continue to develop scientifically until what appears to be unexplainable “magic” to us today will be a routine scientifically explainable occurrence tomorrow.
Carr whatever you choose to do to the TAO today, we will be avenged when our science has caught up to yours. I personally don’t subscribe to the “god(s)” theory. It is my belief that your are presently as far above us scientifically as we are above these puny humans. We are not gods. So, you are not.
Although you have not claimed to be a god, you perform in a manner so mysteriously as to leave the discussion towards that arena. You offer no scientific explanation for what you do. Is there a world where beings with skills as yours reside as equals? If so, what quadrant of the Known Universe is it located in?
Gleia
July 1st, 2009 at 9:57 am
Michelle
I have nothing but love for how you present articles that are so wonderful for women.
You are the blog’s Oprah.
Rhonda
July 1st, 2009 at 9:59 am
I will not be reading if the aliens are gone. Why haven’t you commented on this crazy Howie? Cut his out.
Chuck
July 1st, 2009 at 11:44 am
As I see it LLoyd the problem stems from lack of education. Civics in specifics. Most states, especially southern states do not require it any more as a prerequisite toward high school graduation.
It is in one’s Civic’s class that the student learns about the three branches of government and how they work together to create a balanced and fair government.
The republican moralists are more concerned about forcing schools to teach their religious dogma than they are about schools teaching civics.
The results are that their constituents are easily motivated by rhetoric that tells them their rights are threatened by one thing or another.
Those rabid nuts you see screaming about losing their constitution don’t have the slightest idea how their government works. Ask one of them one time what are the three branches of government, most won’t know.
Most don’t know that the judicial branch is supposed to be independent of politics. In most southern states their supreme courts are an elective position.
An independent judicial branch is essential if the legislative branch will be prevented from passing laws that violate the constitution. An independent judicial branch is essential if the executive branch will be prevented from acting in ways that deprive its citizens of their constitutional rights.
We need to mandate that all our children be required to pass a year of civics before they graduate from high school.
Robert
July 1st, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Hi Mischa, I think I’ve read this before (here?) it sounds vaguely familiar…and it’s all true…think I’ve earned the moniker Zen Lill over the past year+ : )
The only part of disclosing/’sharing what’s up’ is that in my case so far I get the same sentiment – ‘maybe you guys will work it out after some time away, the grass isn’t always greener…’ and ‘you were so good together’ – internally it makes me fume bc #1 I didn’t ask for your opinion/preference (even though I understand they may not know what to say, please, ‘the grass isn’t greener?’ that’s almost insulting) #2 apparently your ‘good together’ and mine look different (and ain’t that obvious by what happened, though the C&ZL show was at times, excellent, we’re entertainers, resonably intelligent and I’m very affectionate no matter what, looks good…) – so yesterday, I finally told one pal, please don’t do that, and if you want to have him over, have him over, if you want me over, have me over, and start trying to understand that you may never understand the exact nature of another couple’s personal interactions or why they choose not to continue the relationship…so please stop asking WHY.
I then go into the Zen Lill ‘life is a river’ theory…sometimes people (fiends/lovers/couples) flow together until one or the other forms their own ‘tributary’ (for whatever reason, not always fights/discontent) which may or may not run parellel (no contact ever again) or runs parellel (contact, just not close or regular) and/or runs in and out of your life (such as couples who split, remain friends, remarry and share childcare in a easy way and new spouses get along somewhat) and on and on…fill in the rest yourself : ) there are many viable options, it’s a river and it runs however it runs or you want yours to run.
Robert, I do enjoy your comments, well thought out and worded.
Misch, please ask Anna for that recipe for Soipan, she doesn’t read my comments : ) and I’m not offended, hahaha
Luv, Zen Lill
July 1st, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Hello Gleia, Thank you for responding to my questions. That is all I was after. It is a shame that this will be our last conversation, but that is what you and your crew members have chosen.
You are 100% correct in saying the Universe is random seeking order, seeking randomness. Those are Carr’s exact words. As far as finding the smallest unit that all things are made of, it will elude both our civilizations forever, but science must try to quantify it. It is a drive to find out what we are made of.
Thank you for accepting my assertion that we are but the product of the imagination of God(s) you may keep hoping to find it and in so doing, we will discover other many interesting facts about our Universe and its makeup.
The Universe is constantly expanding because the Creators (3) who act individually and do not need to come together to create, want more to experience. Eternity is a very long time, even for those who can create matter out of nothingness, it simply gives them more to enjoy. It may not be the answer you are seeking, but that is it.
They enjoy watching their creations evolve and interact both on a Planetary and Universal scale.
They do not come from any Planet. there is no Planet of Creators. That is why I refer to them as Gods, because there are only three. That is where the idea of the trinity came from in many religions. Even if you are the bringers of religions you carried that trinity with you.
As far as my relationship with Carr goes, He chose me as a Friend for the qualities I alone carry inside me. He befriended me as a Human and little by little revealed himself to me. This happened around 1980. I too have asked many times why he chose to befriend me. What could I possibly have to offer? His response is always that he loves me and my personality (even though many seem to despise me on the blog and among the TAO). He calls me his only Confidant left and gives me unconditional love. He does not mingle in my daily affairs although he is always there when I need him. As you know I have died and he brought me back to live out my years. He has promised to be my Friend forever and take me along by me ascending so that my brain will be larger and we can discuss deeper subjects.
Carr does not travel by means of a space ship as you already know. He has promised to take me all over the magnificent Universe to witness and enjoy with him. I never expected it would come from an Alien Civilization, but he says that the TAO are very good at what they do so I would enjoy and grow from the experience.
I will get my wish one way or the other because it is a solemn promise. He thought that it would be a mutually beneficial experience for us to meet and help me ascend to a higher form.
As far as my patients, I am a linear being with many physical problems, so time for me is not the same as it is for you. It seems like forever to me waiting a year or two, yet that may be just a moment to you in your perspective.
You are correct about his not wishing to be worshipped. This has occurred in you past history and caused a great schism between the Believers and non-Believers, however in the end he saved your Planet from Alien occupation.
You say it perfectly in your comment “This knowledge could be too much for even the wisest of civilizations to absorb. Yet , if we must, the consolation would be that the god(s) permits each of us to experience its creations according to the wisdom we bring to the challenge.”
Unfortunately, the Creators do not use Technology to achieve their wishes so to continue to develop scientifically until what appears to be unexplainable “magic” to us today will never be a routine scientifically explainable occurrence tomorrow just because they change the rules of Physics as they please.
They are that powerful. What other names could you come up with other than God(s) or Creator(s)? They even exist in your own history.
Just because you are not Gods does not detract from the fact the they are. You need technology and always will, they never have and never will.
I hope I was even a little helpful because I really wanted to have a dialog with one of the TAO. It was not a selfish want to get aboard you ship. Carr can bring more like you, or make it your utmost desire to take me with you. You will never know. This could have been the reason for your mission to this Planet from the beginning. I do not know, I am merely a Human on a “Cattle Planet”.
I wish you and your crew well in your search for the truth. I hope you find what you seek. It is unfortunate that we could not have become friends. I am truly sorry things turned out this way.
HOWIE
July 1st, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Howie, it you are truly “sorry.” call the monster off.
Smiv