The Pursuit Of Happiness
Posted by Michelle Moquin on January 2nd, 2010
I have a few mantras, or affirmations if you will, that I say to myself every morning. One of them is: “It’s easy to be happy”. I just love the way it rolls off my tongue. I say this because happiness really is ‘a state of mind’. I know…I know…not exactly what you want to hear, but it is true. One ‘chooses’ to be happy…But hey, whatever helps to get one there is always welcome.
While perusing the net this morning, I came across this article written by best selling author Gretchen Rubin, whose most recent book is called The Happiness Project. Hmm…a project to attain happiness. So, I checked it out. I’m all about creating more happiness in my life. Who isn’t?
In this article Gretchen talks about her book and 7 surprising truths about what makes us happy:
In my new book The Happiness Project I describe the year I spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, the current scientific studies, and the lessons from popular culture about how to be happier — from Aristotle to Thoreau to Seligman to Oprah. Here on the Huffington Post, I’ve recounted some of my adventures and conclusions in pursuit of happiness.
I’m describing my happiness project, but of course, the point of The Happiness Project is to encourage you to start your own happiness project. I’ve heard from many readers who have tried my suggestions themselves — such as keeping a daily one-sentence journal, making their bed, or joining a group — to happy effect.
To take just one small example, I’ve written about my idea of the abstainer/moderator split: when it comes to resisting temptation, some people find it much easier to abstain altogether, while others do better exercising moderation. (Here’s a quiz to tell you which camp you’re in.) Abstainers and moderators judge each other harshly; abstainers think moderators constantly cheat, and moderators think abstainers have a rigid, unhealthy attitude.
Neither way is the right way to resist temptation. As with many aspects of happiness, it’s a matter of knowing the right approach for you. I myself am an abstainer — like Samuel Johnson, who observed, “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.” When you recognize your own nature, you’re better able to devise a happiness project that works for you.
One woman commented:
Learning that I am an abstainer … has been a great boon to my happiness. Knowing myself better helped me make the choice to give up sugar and flour all together. I have found it much easier to stick to my resolution when abstaining totally. Plus, I have lost 45 unwanted pounds over the last several months. And that is a certainly a happiness booster!
Before I started my happiness project, I certainly didn’t realize I was an abstainer, and it surprised me to discover that it was far easier for to give up things altogether than to indulge every once in a while.
In fact, as I used myself as guinea pig to test various theories about how to be happier, I discovered several things that surprised me. The most effective ways to pursue happiness were sometimes counter-intuitive.
1. Do buy happiness.
Well, maybe money can’t buy happiness, but spent wisely, it can buy things that contribute mightily to happiness. Some of the best things in life aren’t free. To be happy, we need to feel loved, secure, good at what we do, and have a sense of control. Money doesn’t automatically fill these requirements, of course, but it sure can help.
2. Don’t get organized.
When I faced tackling the intimidating piles of clutter in my apartment and office, my first impulse was to run to a supply store to buy lots of organizing gizmos. Then I realized — no! My first task was to get rid of things that I didn’t need or didn’t work. The most important tool in my clutter-clearing arsenal turned out to be trash-bags. (Here are 27 bonus tips for keeping your house in order.)
In many cases, after sorting through a pile, I found myself left with nothing to organize. Conquering clutter is a happiness booster because for most people, outer order contributes to inner calm.
3. Do let the sun go down on my anger.
In the past, I’d always conscientiously aired every complaint before bedtime. Studies show, however, that the notion of “anger catharsis” is nonsense. Venting anger related to minor, fleeting annoyances just amplifies bad feelings; not expressing anger often allows them to dissipate.
4. Don’t insist on “the best.”
There are two types of decision makers: satisficers seek to satisfy certain criteria; maximizers seek to make the best possible decision. Once satisficers find a tent or a watch that meets their requirements, they buy it; maximizers want to find the best tent or the best watch. Maximizers tend to be less happy than satisficers, because they agonize over their choices. I often remind myself of one of my favorite Secrets of Adulthood (cribbed from Voltaire): Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
5. Do embrace the fun of failure.
Positive psychologists tell us that challenge and novelty are key elements of happiness. Studies show that people who do new things — learn a game, travel to unfamiliar places — are happier than people who stick to the familiar. When I tested this proposition, I figured it wouldn’t be true for unadventurous, routine-loving me, but to test it, I launched a blog. True, the novelty and challenge of my blog initially often brought me frustration and anxiety, as I had to face failing at multiple tasks until I figured them out, but mastering those tasks made me extremely happy.
6. Don’t practice “random acts of kindness.”
We’ve all been urged to practice random acts of kindness — pay the toll for the next car in line, feed a parking meter, buy a stranger a cup of coffee. And studies do show that if you commit a random act of kindness, you’ll feel happier. However, the person who is the beneficiary of your random act probably won’t feel happier.
Research indicates that many people reacted to receiving a random act of kindness with — suspicion! It’s not the kindness of the act that’s the problem; it’s the randomness. We’re on guard when we don’t understand a person’s actions. Of course, it’s always nice to be nice, but if you want to boost other people’s happiness as well as your own, practice non-random kindness. Help a co-worker who has a tight deadline. Let someone with a few items cut in front of you in the check-out line. If you look, you can probably find enough opportunity for non-random kindnesses to keep you busy.
7. Do “fake it till you feel it.”
Although we assume that we act because of the way we feel, we often feel because of the way we act. An almost uncannily effective way to change my emotions, I discovered, was to act the way I wanted to feel. If I feel resentful, I act thoughtful. If I feel lethargic, I act energetic. If I smile, I feel happier. One experiment showed that people who used Botox may feel less angry, because they aren’t able to make angry, frowning faces! Although it may seem insincere at first, controlling your actions is an effective way to change your feelings.
Have you been surprised by something that did – or didn’t make you happy, contrary to your expectation?
Gretchen Rubin is the author of The Happiness Project–an account of the year she spent test-driving every conceivable principle about how to be happy.
Readers: Does any of the above resonate with you? I can say one thing…an abstainer, I am not. I am definitely into moderation. The only time I abstain is when there is a time limit. For instance I have done many cleanses in the past 10 or so years. If it requires that I not eat sugar for a month or two – no problem. No sugar for the rest of my life – no way.
Also, number 3 was a bit surprising, but true in some ways for me. Recently I have let some things go that I thought were more major and they did dissipate leaving me feeling no charge at all.
I could say more but I’d rather hear from you. Blog me.
Zen Lill: I knew you would enjoy the Rune that I pulled. It is perfect isn’t it? How lovely that you were out at the cliffs taking in the sun and sending it out into the world. There was none here to speak of but I envisioned it nontheless. I miss watching the whales and dolphins migrate at this time of year. Doug and I haven’t done that on new year’s day in a long time.
Peace & Love & Happiness: “Live it, Give it, Create it”
Gratefully your blog host,
michelle
Aka BABE: Your Bad Ass Bitch Editor
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January 2nd, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Hi Mischa, happy day 2 of 2-oh-1-oh : )
Yeah, whale watching was so cool, had to take my kid today to show her what she missed by blowing me off yesterday, she was amazed, which made it all new again for me.
eye-yi-yi on this one, hate to be perceived as negative so I won’t be (much), I’ll just say this, I clicked through to the HP site via your pal, Danielle’s site a few times this year…my disclaimer: what I’m about to say does not always occur for me (energetically speaking)…so I get to the site and her picture just screamed (energetically speaking) of an uptight controlling woman with sad eyes (just my words not judgment good/bad except the eyes, and the eyes are the mirror of the soul, if she was OK as is why would they look so sad and fragile?), like she didn’t really want to be that way, that was one thing…seeing and feeling that made me think: happiness would be pretty elusive to someone experiencing life that way and good on her for trying to find/sift her way through and sharing it with others bc I have seen this somewhat fragile look before on some women (men have it also but they wear it differently) – the other things are (my experience): hmmm, happiness just occurs, you cannot focus or plan for it necessarily, it is an outtake of your actions, and like I always tell my kid when she says I’m bored or I’m not happy – go do something useful for another person, it’s the quickest route out of either place. Then I hit her with a list of things she can do for me : ) to assist her in instant happiness (I know, how kind of me).
One other ‘happy trail’ – if you will, is – in every moment decide to just be in that moment (not some future outcropping of it, or past similar as this moment) – that one action sometimes means feeling pain, or something else not exactly given to ‘happiness’ per se, but to me, it’s part of this life experience so feel it, live it, and remind yourself to stay in the moment if you must, manifesto-ing our way into happiness seems like another broken and misguided American dream. If I can’t snap out of it, an ugly moment (as the other day) I take the seriously ‘worst case scenario’ route and say right out loud, ‘if it turns out like that, could you find a way to become at one with that?’ it works…feel free to try it…and there is the ZL livin’ it project ; ) hahaha…!
…I did click through to her ’27 tips’ though and was struck by my own intuitive grasp on that, I do most of those things without thinking and I would never break it down like that. I do what I critically call – ‘the look’ – I am a very visual woman so I like a certain aestetic, I turn around before I leave a room (or the house) look around and think ‘can I walk back into this and feel good/stable here?’ (it’s all about balance for me, you can blame my Libra tendencies if you wish, apparantly I am VERY Libran according to certain sources), on that note I’ll give some kudos to Ms Happiness Project bc I couldn’t explain how I do what I do, I just do it : )I wish her the best with her book. – Another American issue: too many books written on every damn subject, a trip to a book store is one big overwhelming prioject of its own, 100+ varieties of ‘happy books’ or ‘you name it’ it’s just plain overload, and very little in the way of original thoughts…wow, that was quite the bitch session…I’d apologize but it felt so good to tell the radical truth that I won’t. It’s all said with love and is just personal opinion, mine all mine : )
RE #3 – the anger thing, oh hell no, I never ever bought that shit about ‘never going to bed mad/angry’ puh-lease, I’ll go to bed however I want to (and ocassional angry sex can be wickedly weird and wonderful) hee hee : ) and I usually do require 24 to see if whatever it was really ticked me off or was it a fleeting thing. I once went off on a boyfriend, realized I was excalating the thing even more than I’d wanted to and my mouth was starting to get away from me and my true intent in going off in the first place – so I whipped off my clothes and jumped into the ice cold pool we were sitting near, yeah, uh, that did the trick, he was stunned with a capital F, said he couldn’t decide whether it was the funniest thing or the sexiest thing he’d ever seen, after laughing our asses off he decided it was the latter ; ) and we made up, so don’t go to bed mad, jump in a pool and soak your head!
Ok, gotta roll…caio for now, Luv, Zen Lill