Sex and The Ex Politex (Part Deux)
Posted by michellemoquin on September 26th, 2008
Oh Anonz: I’m surprised. You actually commented on something else that I wrote. :) Thanks as it gave me something to write about today.
I think I need to be more clear. I was trying to be light in my write. ZL got my point. I was using the term ‘slept with’ very loosely…in regards to ‘relationships’. My article was basically about women getting jealous of their mans past ‘relationships’, not what the man said or didn’t say to his current significant. But hey, you took it down a different road – I can hang with that. You did bring up some very valid points and obviously there is a lot to be said here and some areas that need to be addressed. So I will.
You are absolutely correct. I agree a man should never tell. My statement: ‘Now let me just preface that I really don’t think it is that stupid for a man to tell his significant other of past women that he has slept with, and especially women that he still has a friendly relationship with’ could’ve been worded to be more clear: ‘I really don’t think it is that stupid for a man to tell his significant other of past women that he was in relationships with’. (There should be no threat – the dirty deed has been done:) However, how he responds to her says it all. If she says, ‘so, I hear you went out with her for awhile?’ He says it casually, like, ‘Yeah we went out for a few years, but it didn’t work.’ That’s cool. But if he says grinning, ‘Yeah, the sex was great but we fought a lot.’ Not cool.
I didn’t mean that it was okay for a man to go off in the mouth about all the women that he slept with to his now current love. Nor was I referring to a man who is ‘implicitly crowing as his sexual conquests flutter around him in her presence.’ Nor was I talking about revealing such intimate details. Any of the above is very disrespectful and any guy who does this is a cad in my mind too.
I was referring to ‘committed relationships’ when I was speaking of ‘ex’s not just a one-nighter or a casual date. I was speaking of a ‘relationship’ – I don’t call anyone I have slept with casually an ‘ex’. I was referring to relationships where it was assumed that the two involved were sexually active. ZL’s party example echos that. Have you not been in a committed relationship to know the difference between an ‘ex’ and a one-night-stand or do you call all of you sexual relationships ex’s? Maybe men do. I don’t. I was not referring to the man who says openly, ‘Yeah I fucked her.’ I was referring to the woman who is really asking a rhetorical question of her man, or grilling him, or if none was asked, it was jealousy by association.
I was referring to, as in my few cases, when a woman knows that I have been in a past relationship with her now present beau or husband and just decides that she doesn’t want me around anymore because we were in a relationship. She may not have asked him anything about us. Or knowing we were in a sexual relationship, she may have railed him with questions such as I mentioned which I would hope that he would say, ‘It is none of your business.’ Again, I was using the term ‘slept with’ very loosely…in regards to ‘relationships’. Maybe, I should’ve been clearer. Or maybe you were just dying to broach the topic on a different level than I was referring to. Either way, I’ll carry on.
I don’t mean that he literally said to her that he ‘slept with me.’ I hope that he didn’t just openly volunteer that information whether she asked or not. In my circumstances, to my knowledge, I had only one male friend who did tell the woman that he was marrying that we had slept together. I asked him why she wasn’t that friendly to me and he told me that she knew we slept together. Perturbed, I asked him why he brought that up and he said because she asked, and he didn’t want to lie. Well…ya know sometimes a little lie is the much better than the truth. He obviously wanted to get a reaction out of her and make himself feel good like, “Yeah, I had her.” And really, I wasn’t so sure that she asked; that he just didn’t volunteer the info to do just that. And however he informed her, either way, I was no longer friends with him after that and their marriage sadly but not surprisingly didn’t last very long. Had I known any of my male friends were revealing anything intimate about me, I would’ve ended those relationship too, but their significant other did it for me.
Lastly, yes I do have to agree that a man who reveals to his current significant other about other women is not only disrespectful to the woman, unless she okays it. But if she doesn’t, I realize it can be very damaging to the woman in his current relationship. I can attest to this because I was a very jealous woman in a relationship that I had and rightfully so. He never informed me of women that he had slept with prior to me, but his ‘implicitly crowing’ left me insecure and jealous all of the time. And the women weren’t ‘smilingly fluttering’ around him. Except for one, his best female friend who swore for years that my jealousy was misdirected. I believed her but found out later my jealous feelings were valid. But besides her, it was his doing, his actions, that gave me the feeling that I was never enough. Thankfully, I don’t own those stupid insecure thoughts anymore. But believe me it took me years to get over them.
FYI: I think that your male chauvinistic side is showing. I wouldn’t dare give you advice but you might think of how this woman feels when you say, ”She just may not like being part of her cad’s mental harem as ‘you smilingly flutter’ around him.” First of all, I don’t like that you assume that my presence is a flirtatious one. That I am the cause of the threat because of some action that you presume I am doing or worse just because of the way I look. Sounds similar to the man who rapes the woman because she was wearing something revealing. ‘It was her fault,’ he claims, ‘She shouldn’t have tempted me.’ Well I’m not a threat just because I happen to be attractive. ’Blame it on the pretty girl!’
That being said, I don’t ‘smilingly flutter’ around my ex’s. In fact I don’t ‘smilingly flutter’ period. I respect relationships and in no way do I ever try to make an ex’s significant other feel uncomfortable in my presence in any way. And if I know that he has a jealous significant other, I try my best to not add to her insecurity. Maybe because I can relate and I didn’t like it when I was in that position. If she is threatened most likely it is from his actions or something from the past, not mine. So please don’t include me in the cad’s bad manners.
Okay, now I’m done. Thanks for bringing this up Anonz. It, like sex, is a topic that was worth diving deeper into.
Readers: It isn’t that simple. Do you think that all jealousy stems from somewhere? Do women and men feel jealous because of something in their past or can people feel jealousy when nothing to be jealous of is present? Comments? Blog me.
Doug: You had me laughing. Please don’t reveal our little secrets of me pretending you were my first…oops did I say that? :)
Oh…I just have to add one last thing: Ellen DeGeneres who is a big animal lover, will be talking about Prop 2 today on her show! Tune in wherever you live. See ya….
Gratefully your blog host,
michelle ?
Aka BABE: Your Bad Ass Bitch Editor
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September 26th, 2008 at 7:56 am
Michelle
Sorry, you took my metaphorical example as me assuming that I thought that you would “flutter around” another man other than your husband.
As for my understanding of what a relationship means. Well I had a few in my day so I suspect I do. As a matter of fact, all but two continue to play a significant role in my life.
We have the tacit understanding that because of the years we spent together and the mutual respect and bond those years represent that we will always support each other whenever we can.
This holds a very special meaning to me because one of the other two passed away when I was very young and very much in love. The other just vanished when I was so much older and very much in love.
Today, I see my relationships, whether they start as a pursuit of togetherness or end up as one, as a blessing if we become friends in the bargain.
Your blog impresses me with the belief that you have matured into a woman whose advice to women or men should be considered and perhaps even solicited.
Anonz
September 26th, 2008 at 7:58 am
PROBIOTIC DRINK HELPS PREVENT DIARRHEA FROM ANTIBIOTICS
A persistent and alarming problem among elderly hospital patients is diarrhea — which is sometimes even life-threatening. A frequent cause, ironically, is the antibiotic used to address either the original illness or an infection that develops during the hospital stay, to which elderly patients are even more vulnerable than others. It is a frustrating situation for everyone involved.
A recent study conducted at Imperial College in London investigated probiotic drinks as a way to help resolve the problem, in much the same way some non-hospital patients eat yogurt when on antibiotics. (Note: This should be high-quality yogurt with live cultures.) The study randomized 135 hospitalized elderly patients on antibiotics into two groups. Twice a day during the course of treatment and for one week after finishing the antibiotics, one group was given a dairy drink containing three types of probiotics — Lactobacillus casei, L. bulgaricus and Streptococcus thermophilus — while the other had a dairy drink with no probiotics. The probiotic drink used in the study was Actimel, sold in US supermarkets as DanActive from Danone, which partially funded the study.
The result: Risk of diarrhea relating to antibiotics was reduced by 21.6%.
WHICH PROBIOTIC FOR WHOM?
Probiotic use appears to be a no-brainer, but the picture is more complicated than it may seem. Lead author Mary Hickson, PhD, RD, a research dietician and honorary senior lecturer of investigative science at the Imperial College in London, told me the issue of using probiotics as standard hospital protocol is still open. The reason is, dose and timing cannot be as carefully controlled in a hospital setting as in a highly monitored research study. Probiotics may actually turn out to be even more useful than this research indicates, since some high-risk patients had to be excluded. Also, since the treatment did not prevent all diarrhea, it may be that different patients respond to probiotic bacteria differently. In other words, what is effective in certain situations for some individuals does not work all the time. Indeed, another strain of bacteria might work even better at preventing antibiotic-caused diarrhea than the ones in the drink used, and only further research will reveal the answer.
In this study there were no adverse events for patients, which has been true of previous published trials using probiotics — though some questions remain relative to people with weak immune systems. In a very few cases, probiotic bacteria may have caused an infection in such patients, says Dr. Hickson, though it remains inconclusive. According to the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM), the safety of probiotics has not been thoroughly studied so research should continue, especially in the elderly, children and anyone with a compromised immune system.
Next steps for the medical community? Dr. Hickson says that another study is now in order to see if using probiotics as a standard measure for post-antibiotic treatment causes diarrhea rates to fall in a broader hospital population. Next step for individuals? Based on years of work with probiotics, Daily Health News contributing editor Andrew L. Rubman, ND, points out that since each of us is unique, results may vary. While probiotic products will probably not be harmful, the same solution won’t work for everyone. Consider working with a physician knowledgeable in this area.
Source(s): ??Mary Hickson, PhD, RD, honorary senior lecturer of investigative science at the Imperial College in London.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Michelle,
You know that I am, and have never been, the jealous type. But, then, I thought I was your first…(last time I’ll go there…) ;-)
Jealousy, I find is a waste of time and energy. It is an insecurity within self. It is simply a wanting of the lack of something in one’s self than anything else, which can be good in the fact that it reveals to one the work that one needs to put attention to. I know, and watched you through the work that you are referring to in this blog. It was an exemplary process to be a part of and watch you come out on the other side to the wonderful woman that you have become. It is my joy to watch, and be a part of, your process on a daily basis. It is empowering to watch your fearlessness to become the best person that you can be in all aspects of the human capacity.
You know this of me, but I wish to reiterate it herein. I am so proud to be your husband.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Mischa, no fluttering? I prefer to glide myself…OK, I’ll stop before I begin.
I can only say that one woman, my high school boyfriends long time live-in never wanted to meet me, I don’t think he ever said it to her but everyone else would meet her and tell her of her striking resemblance to me, yikes, she hated me on general principles and he was embarassed about that issue. We still had annual visits when I’d go to CT but that cramped the style of both of us. I didn’t want to provoke her unduly, but don’t I deserve the benfit of the doubt, no, no doubt the thoughtless fools who mentioned the resemblance also threw in how cool I am, how we were The Couple, stupid asses. Ah, but then he met my baby girl and we haven’t spoken since, weird – but what can you do…
Anonz, so sorry for your losses, babe. I’m glad you can maintain workable relationships with the others, now don’t take this the wrong way please, but I thought you said you were a chauvinist fool (which, granted, is not the same as a cad) so, maybe you’ve worked through these ways with them acting as your sounding board in this fairly recent change? Not being nosy, if you’d like to share on that point, do tell, if you don’t, that’s cool, too.
Sweet pea(s) hahaha…repub man also didn’t believe that I have the best espresso this side of Italy, then he tasted, he may not have seen the light on the ARM issue but he conceded that it was the best espresso he’s ever had, and that’s about as far as this woman cares to go with Repub men anymore, they’re too stubborn to get through to…why waste my time and energy?
Ciao, the Zen lady Lilly
September 26th, 2008 at 9:06 am
…I guess that should read:
“You know that I am NOT and have never been, the jealous type.”
September 26th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
you are so HOT!!!!!!!!!