Flap Your Lips Friday
Posted by Michelle Moquin on December 3rd, 2010
Good morning!
First of all, thank you for the kind wellness wishes. I am not much better than I was yesterday, which is not like me. So, once again I am going to keep it brief.
No topic today. But before I do sign off I want to take my time to address at least a few of the comments and of course most importantly…
…I want to congratulate Evelyn and Harris for their recent engagement!!
Evelyn: I couldn’t be more delighted that my blog brought two wonderful people together and now you are in love, engaged, and soon will be married. I am soooooooo excited for the both of you! :) And, Yes!!!!!!!!! we would love to come to the wedding in France. Thank you for including us in your special day. I wouldn’t miss it!
However, Harris’s offer to pay our way is very generous but not necessary; (Are you reading Harris?) I would rather we pick up our own travel expenses, but I get the feeling that this may not be a topic up for negotiation. So for now, I would not want to upset your man, so if he insists, I accept his grand generosity with warm gratitude. Thank you.
And yes, I would also love to come out early to get better acquainted with you, and of course Harris, Ruth and “the girls“.
I am sorry that Harris’s family is not so supportive, but I am HOPEful that their hearts will open up, or else they will surely miss out.
Hmm…just the thought of finally meeting all of you makes me so happy.
And speaking of “the girls” and my blog…I can’t imagine that my blog will still be around 6 years from now but you never know. I didn’t think it would be around this long. But if it is, I will look forward to their insights and commentary.
But for now, I am thrilled over this news, and just looking forward to your wedding. And if there is anything I can do to assist in any way, please let me know. And of course, my lips will be zipped to protect your privacy. Please do not e-mail me the details of your wedding. Snail mail would be best for all concerned.
Love you back…
Hi Ruth: As always, it is good to hear from you too. I bet you are just delighted over Harris and Evelyn’s good news. I am so looking forward to meeting you and getting to know you as well! Reading about “the girls” and all they are doing is too much fun. You do have your hands full, but you seem quite happy about it. Please give them all big hugs and tell them that I am looking forward to meeting them and spending time with them during the wedding celebration. I will be bringing my tallest stilettos :) And my best to Anonz – I HOPE that he is recovering quickly.
GT: Merci.
Now…what else is going on out there?
Larry: Thanks for clarifying. A tall blond I am certainly not. Zen Lill is obviously your pick and a good one it is. :) Hi ZL!
Jata: I have blogged about this exact same thing before. Here’s a little excerpt from my write, “Aids, Rape For The Cure”, as I don’t think I can say it any better:
Oh please…just where did men get this idea? Answer: From their traditional healers – my guess is they were all men. No woman would ever succumb to such a myth. And what about the child? Now you’ve just infected a young girl (and yes, babies too!) with a disease in order to purge it from yourself? Gee thanks. How sick is that? And sorry….if one believes in this ridiculous act and then goes out and commits this heinous crime, and one isn’t cured of HIV or AIDS, doesn’t it prove that this myth holds no validity? Oh no….they just continue raping virgins.
Larry: I felt bad when I read your story. But it is probably for the best, as hard as it is. I usually read about men who tell their wives that they are gay, and not much news the other way around, but it does happen evidently. I HOPE that you find someone. Perhaps on my blog…you never know. :) Thanks for the kind compliments, and no you did not offend; not at all.
Okay that’s it for me today. It’s your turn to “flap your lips”…Blog me.
Lastly, greed over a great story is surfacing from my “loyal”(?) readers. With all this back and forth about who owns what, that appears on my blog, let me reiterate that all material posted on my blog becomes the sole property of my blog. If you want to reserve any proprietary rights don’t post it to my blog. I will prominently display this caveat on my blog from now on to remind those who may have forgotten this notice.
Gratefully your blog host,
michelle
Aka BABE: We all know what this means by now :)
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December 4th, 2010 at 8:30 am
Michelle
Don’t feel bad for me. I am happy for Lys and Dorothy. Lys is still my best friend I will be fathering a baby for them with Dorothy. We work on it on the days that Dorothy are fertile.
She cooks and then we cook. No baby yet, but the loving is great. I never knew that making love was this exciting. Lys always did it by the numbers.
Hope you have a great time at the wedding.
Larry
December 4th, 2010 at 8:31 am
Michelle:
Thanks for everything, and I do mean everything. It was your blog that brought us together. If I hadn’t read and gotten interested in the woman who wrote with such spirit in words that stimulated my mind and imagination, my life wouldn’t be as interesting and happy as it is now.
I am looking forward to meeting Doug, the man married to you. He must be a mental powerhouse. Perhaps there is a business venture or two we can share?
I dabble in all sorts of speculative ventures. Today, I feel that financial rewards are out there waiting for the right backers of the next great product or service.
The girls are so excited about you coming, but I’ll leave that to my to Eve and Ru to tell you about.
I tried to respond earlier but i couldn’t post so I called Ru who said the same thing. She said that if I got in first to tell you she will get back to you as soon as her posting matches her trail behind the girls’s newest plot.(You’ll understand when you have been around them a few days.)
I have purchased a place here in France. We are working in coordination with Anonz’s people to secure it for the girls and against wedding crashers or the curious. We were told that your arrival may increase interest.
I thing that you and Doug will love the location. It does afford you an excellent opportunity to enjoy the beauty of France and the relaxation of a homelike environment at the end of the day.
If it is possible, perhaps you can persuade Doug to come out early also. It would be apropos to have a male to pal around with while you ladies are doing your thing. I will be writing you more in private as soon as security gives us the okay.
Another time I will be addressing this “two year” wait Eve has proposed. I’m in love and waiting is going to change a thing. As far as my relatives are concerned, I left their racist, and backward thinking back there with them when I departed to discover the world on my own.
You and Doug will love the girls they are full of questions and as different in their personalities as any 13 group of people you will ever meet. Every time I stay for a week or so they come up with a new set of changes.
The latest is that each has a language of the country they represent. So the house is full of “unless you wish to disrespect me talk to me in my native tongue.” I was baffled until Ruth informed me that they have picked countries and adopted them as their own. So now they wish to be spoken to in the language of that country.
I speak English, French, Spanish and a little Italian. The girls have adopted almost 13 different countries. The house is full of screaming and arguing in everything from Greek to the Oromigna of Ethiopia.
Ruth encourages them because she saids “it helps them to learn the pathos of other peoples and a new language can’t hurt.” Well, maybe not, but it can sure make visiting a riot. So bring your walking shoes and ear plugs. You will be out on a minute’s notice going to some museum or place one of them has discovered that breaths history of some place in the world.
Never a dull moment at Ruth’s
Harris
December 4th, 2010 at 8:35 am
Michelle, please don’t say you will quit writing your blog. We have just begun to discover you and the wonders of America from your readers.
Zhen-ni
December 4th, 2010 at 8:38 am
What have you gone and done Michelle? We don’t believe in mixed marriages. That should not be the purpose of your blog. It is just plain wrong!
Harris
It is good that you will have 2 years to come to your senses. Use it wisely.
Mary
December 4th, 2010 at 8:40 am
I have a love story for you. My co-worker and I met at work but we became closer because of a mutual interest in your blog. She and I are now living together despite the open hostility we face because we came out as gay.
Thanks
Sandra
December 4th, 2010 at 8:42 am
I’m with you Mary. Harris use the 2 years enjoying splitting black oak and then fine a nice white girl to settle down with.
December 4th, 2010 at 8:51 am
Don’t Let Financial Fights Ruin Your Marriage
Olivia Mellan
Marital money tensions increase in tough financial times such as these. Even the closest couples don’t always see eye to eye on money matters.
Couples argue over what to buy… how much to save… how aggressively to invest… and anything else involving dollars and cents.
Most married couples are not as far apart in their financial thinking as they imagine. The problem is that they tend to see only their money differences and ignore the similarities.
Rather than judge our partners’ financial beliefs and habits against an objective standard, we tend to consider them in comparison with our own habits — then cast our partner as our polar opposite. This can make minor differences in opinion seem like major schisms.
Example: A wife saves 35% of her salary, while her husband, who has a higher salary, saves “only” 20% of his.
Though this husband is a responsible saver by any objective standard, the wife may feel that she is carrying an unfair share of the burden and that the husband is spending too freely.
FINANCIAL BATTLE LINES
The first step in overcoming financial friction in a marriage is identifying areas of conflict and the opposing financial roles that each partner is forced into.
Here are six common battle lines. Do you see your relationship described here?
Spender vs. hoarder. One spouse considers the other an overspender… while the second sees the first as a hoarder or miser.
This leaves neither one happy. The spender feels forced to defend or hide purchases… while the hoarder feels saddled with full responsibility for reaching the family’s savings goals.
Even if both partners are responsible savers, the one who saves less may be treated as a reckless spender… and when both are spenders, the one who spends less might be cast as hoarder.
Money worrier vs. money avoider. The partner who worries more — or more openly — about money comes to believe that his partner doesn’t take financial matters seriously.
The worrier typically is the partner who handles most of the bill-paying and budget-balancing chores. The other partner believes that the continual worrying about finances adds unnecessary tension to the relationship.
Planner vs. dreamer. One partner takes charge of the nitty-gritty details of the family’s finances… while the other acts as visionary, ignoring details and thinking big.
These roles could be complementary, but more often they leave partners battling over financial priorities and processes.
Example: The planner tries to enforce a detailed budget, while the dreamer makes impulsive purchases that fit the image of how he wants life to be.
Money monk vs. money grower. One partner considers money dirty and corrupting, and doesn’t bother investing or seeking raises… while the other believes that earning and saving are worthwhile life goals.
Even minor differences here can seem very significant because our basic outlook on money is so closely tied to our core beliefs.
Risk taker vs. risk avoider. One partner’s aggressive approach to investing or career planning creates discomfort for the other, who lives in fear that the family’s savings will be lost.
When risk takers suffer financial setbacks — as most have in the past year — their risk-avoider partners typically blame them for those losses. Risk takers usually are men — but not always.
Money merger vs. money separator. One partner believes that all of the couple’s savings and financial decisions should be bundled together… while the other tries to keep some of his money separate from the other partner’s.
Money mergers often consider their partners’ desire for separation a sign of lack of commitment to the relationship. It typically is men who push to merge the family finances.
Example: A wife who does not work outside the home inherits money and wants to keep it separate from the family’s money. Her husband is insulted by this request because he has been sharing his income for years.
BRIDGING THE MONEY GAP
A four-step plan for avoiding financial fights with your partner…
1. Consider financial disagreements with your spouse as relationship inevitabilities, not examples of your partner’s flaws.
We tend to dismiss or demean our partner’s financial opinions when they differ from our own. It is these contemptuous responses — not the financial differences themselves — that turn disagreements into brawls.
Better: Start with the assumption that your partner’s financial thinking is both reasonable and closer to your own than you realize. This keeps things friendly and prevents disagreements from escalating.
Examples: Your partner isn’t necessarily a spendthrift just because he doesn’t save as much as you… or a big risk taker simply because he takes more risks than you… or a money avoider simply because he doesn’t fret as openly about recent stock market losses as you do.
2. Create an atmosphere that encourages civil discussion of financial matters. Financial differences are more likely to escalate into fights when they’re allowed to fester without discussion.
Unfortunately, couples often hesitate to raise financial topics that have led to fights in the past.
Better: Establish a framework for calmly discussing financial matters that promotes safety and trust. Set aside 20 minutes each week for a money conversation.
During the session, one spouse shares one of his money concerns for two to three minutes, while the other listens and then repeats what was said.
The first spouse then speaks again, and the process is repeated until the first spouse is done. After that, the spouses switch roles, and the second spouse goes through the process.
It is important to be empathetic and avoid being judgmental or argumentative.
Example: Partner 1: “I’m worried that the stock market will continue to decline.” Partner 2: “I hear that you are worried about further declines. It is perfectly reasonable to have those concerns considering everything that has happened recently.”
The more you understand how your partner feels about finances, the more likely you are to sympathize with his feelings, even if you don’t agree.
3. Tell your partner what you admire about the way the partner handles money. This positive feedback helps balance the largely negative feedback that most married people normally send their partners about their financial decisions, often without realizing it.
Examples: A risk avoider might tell her risk-taking partner that she admires his ability to put up with declines in portfolio value without panic. A hoarder might tell a spender that he admires her generosity and ability to enjoy life.
4. Take one action per week that fits your partner’s financial makeup, not your own. When both partners do this, it can help them moderate their financial views and move toward a middle ground. Expect it to feel uncomfortable at first.
Example: A spender might cancel a purchase and put the money into an investment account instead. The hoarder partner might agree to a discretionary purchase without complaint.
Over time, if you follow the four steps above, you will lessen tension and conflict with your spouse over money.
Personal interviewed Olivia Mellan, a psychotherapist based in Washington, DC, who specializes in couples’ financial issues.
She is author or coauthor of five books, including Overcoming Overspending: A Winning Plan for Spenders and Their Partners (Money Harmony). http://www.moneyharmony.com.
December 4th, 2010 at 9:01 am
I have a love story for you too Michelle. I met Lucy because she belongs to a social that I do and we discuss your blog on “Flap Your Lips Friday.
She introduced me to her brother and we are now married.
December 4th, 2010 at 9:15 am
I extend my congratulations also. Nice way to meet and a great turn out. Many happy returns to the both of you.
Vance
December 4th, 2010 at 9:23 am
Michelle, say it isn’t true that you are disbanding your blog. The buzz is that your are quitting because you feel 3 years is enough.
Baraki
December 4th, 2010 at 9:25 am
Harris we here in the Philippines follow you and Evelyn’s love story. It is sooooo romantic. We wish you the best. Please keep us up on the wedding details.
December 4th, 2010 at 9:30 am
Harris, Delighted to hear that Greek is one of the countries and languages the Girls picked to adopt. We have a fine culture emulate. That was the first time I have heard you mention family.
Do you have brothers and sisters? Tell us a little about your family. You and Evelyn are such a hot topic here.
Kacey
December 4th, 2010 at 9:42 am
I can’t believe all the comments. When I left yesterday there were none. I guess I can post now. But it is too late for me to do a flap or is it.
Here goes Friday or not.
My cousin Josie is having an affair with a boy because she has the hots for his father. He is single and is her boss. She thinks that as long as she does not have vaginal sex with him she hasn’t betrayed the father.
So she does blow-jobs, hand jobs and lets him have anal sex whenever he wants it. She is 19 and still considers herself still a virgin.
Please tell her she is not a virgin if she has had sex, even if it is not vaginally. And the father is 40 years old! Way too old for her. She will be taking her college xmas break with me because her boss will be joining us at our cabin.
She neglected to tell the son about the excursion so that she could be alone with the father. Is she crazy or what? The old man isn’t going to make a play for his son’s girl.
She says she is not going steady with Carl only f**king him to keep close to the father. But the guy is in love with her. He is 20 and very good looking and very intelligent.
Help! If she doesn’t want him I do!
Demi
December 4th, 2010 at 9:47 am
This is what happens when you let a nigger in the White House. Otherwise intelligent white men see nothing wrong with breeding with niggers. Harris, don’t think your sons will ever be eligible to be President.
A nigger will NEVER be President again. This one is a one term mistake.
Lenny
December 4th, 2010 at 9:49 am
America You need an enema.