Today’s write of ‘just noticing’ is going to be very personal.
It didn’t dawn on me till a little over a week ago that I was not being friendly with life. And ‘just noticing’ that over the past few weeks, and more likely the past few months, I have been treating my life, not as a friend, but as a fiend, an enemy.
Spiritually I have sunken to depths that I didn’t think I would ever allow myself to reach, but then I have been living through ego and letting my ego be the boss of my life. And it’s not surprising when how the ego is in control, I feel totally out of control. The ego is not me…not my true self therefore, the feelings of being out of control of my life, support the fact that I am not in control – the ego is.
This isn’t the first time my ego has been in control – to some greater or lesser degree it always has. Most unenlightened humans live through the form of ego and not self. And I realized that it takes a continual awareness of the presence of ego…a conscious effort to be present, when the ego at every opportunity, strives to shun the present moment, and live and feed on the drama from the identifiable past and the anticipated future, in order to quiet and diminish the ego. The self can then shine. This is called ‘enlightenment’.
Although I am aware of this, I somehow forgot over the past year or so. I hate to admit that my ego has been in control, not always but certainly a lot…but hey, it is what it is. And admitting it, and recognizing when it is, gives it less power so that I can create the space to understand just where I have been operating from, and free myself from its hold.
Let me start from the beginning. It all started a little over a year ago when I allowed the ego to make the present moment not important. All I thought about was the future, any moment but the NOW. I made the present moment ‘a means to an end’, and all I wanted to do was fast forward out of the NOW and into the future. It doesn’t matter the reason. All that mattered was that I didn’t want to be where I was and getting to the future was my goal.
At the time, my life felt okay, knowing that what I wanted seemed so close. I was willing to live and be in my life knowing that the future I desired was near. But as I got closer to the future, and my life remained the same, the NOW that felt okay, no longer felt okay. The ego is addicted to drama and unhappiness. And negative thoughts fed and perpetuated the unhappiness inside of me. My ego gained strength, and living off of my negative thoughts, gained momentum as a powerful voice in my head, running my thoughts.
Then I began to see my life as an ‘obstacle’. My life was a problem that was in the way of my future. And I began to notice that everywhere I turned, my ego presented me with more problems, more obstacles. I became impatient and frustrated because my life felt out of control. Problem after problem kept arising, and the more upset I became, the more my ego lashed out, loving every dramatic moment and wanting more.
My ego, desperate to thrive by living off of my negative thoughts, peaked a few months ago. It was then that I made my life, my enemy. I found myself literally unable to bear my life, not to mention accepting myself. I was not only ‘just noticing’ but I was also ‘judging’. I was living in the past and blaming all that I could on anybody and anything that prevented me from getting what I wanted, including myself and any important decisions that I had made in my past that led me to where I am at today. It has not been a joyful experience but one that I evidently brought upon myself through thought.
It was a very dark place for me to be, and the worst part of it was that I felt very alone, with all of my negative thoughts. My thoughts created my emotions that ran the gamut of fear and anxiety, to regret, and ended deep in anger. And anger is where I have been biding my time until my desired future was attained. And through this, as I attacked my enemy, my life, my life retaliated as any enemy would. It was as if my life was saying, “You want war? You’ve got it.”
It wasn’t until I had a quiet moment and with the help of my two most inspiring books (Creative Visualization and A New Earth), was I able to see that I was living in a very destructive manner and that my ego had moved in permanently and taken over.
One morning I picked up the book ‘A New Earth’ and just opened it. No surprise, the page that I opened to was the exact page that I needed to read – the chapter: The Ego and The Present Moment. (page 200) It wasn’t until I read that chapter that I realized that I was not going with the flow of life…that I was struggling and fighting it…that I was resisting what is and making my life an enemy. I was blaming the past and living in the future. The present moment, the NOW, had no purpose.
Funny how I have read this book two times before and as I began to read it again, I felt like I was reading it for the first time. Now I know why Oprah read this book seven times. It takes quite a few times for information to really sink in and stick. So I began to read it over again…
I then chose to look at life differently, get okay with the present moment and be friendly with life. It was when I consciously decided to make my life my friend, by accepting the present moment, that things began to change, and my negative thoughts and emotions no longer lived with me permanently waiting in a dormant state for the perfect moment or the right trigger to show face. I have consciously had to make this decision daily, of making life my friend, in order to not regress and be prisoner to my ego again.
So I ask the questions daily: What is my relationship with life, with the present moment? Am I making life my friend? And every day, I will continue to ask those questions until making life my friend becomes my natural state. I am not there yet. And the only way to make life my friend is to leave the past and future alone and live in the present moment, the NOW, for it is all that I have. The past is done and the future has not arrived yet.
That is not to say that one cannot have future goals, desires, needs. On the contrary, one can still set goals creating what one wants in life and yet, be here, in the NOW, letting go of attachments and desires. How one does that is by simply letting go and going with the flow of life.
Here is a little story from the book Creative Visualization that I think explains it metaphorically perfect:
Let us imagine that life is a river. Most people are clinging to the bank, afraid to let go and risk being carried along by the current of the river. At a certain point each person must be willing to simply let go, and trust the river to carry him or her along safely. At this point he learns to ‘go with the flow’, and it feels wonderful.
Once he has gotten used to being in the flow of the river, he can begin to look ahead and guide his own course onward, deciding where the course looks best, steering his way around boulders and snags, and choosing which of the many channels and branches of the river he prefers to follow, all the while still ‘going with the flow’.
I love this analogy. It shows how one can truly enjoy the here and NOW, flowing with life and with what is, while still consciously guiding one’s life toward their goals, and by taking responsibility for creating their own lives.
This is also not to say that by accepting what is one can use going with the flow as an excuse to be complacent. The Serenity Prayer expresses this perfectly:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Why am I telling you this? Well, partially because making my personal state of being public makes it feel like I’m not so alone in this. I know there are readers out there who can relate to some degree or another. I know I am not alone when it comes to the ego. Perhaps me speaking about my challenges here will speak to you somewhere in your subconscious and you will have an ‘aha’ moment that inspires you to learn more. Whether I hear about it from you or not is not important. However my ego would love to make it important, of course :). I also bring it up because I feel that my state of being is a reflection of the world, and the world is also a reflection of my state of being. Ergo, It is my responsibility to be friendly with life, and have that reflect out into the world.
So, if any of what I have written resonates with you at all, or if you just don’t get it, and you’re wanting to know more, I do suggest picking up these two books:
Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain. I first read this 25 years ago and it is still a favorite, and a very easy read. Besides being a fantastic book on creating what you want through visualization, if you are into meditating, there are some very good meditations throughout the book.
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I first started reading this about 2 years ago and it continues to inspire me. I’ve blogged about Tolle’s teachings several times here, but I have barely scratched the surface. These books are my modern bibles that give me a quick jolt into the present moment should I feel myself drifting to the past or future in a destructive way. Hence, I bring them with me everywhere..
It has been painful being a person who tends to rethink my past over and over, and push for the future, thanks to my drama seeking ego. So for me to stay present is a challenge, but I am committed to it. And I am grateful for the lessons along the way. Remember, being patient is key, especially in regards to yourself. So be patient with yourself. Self growth is a conscious effort that is continual throughout life.
Peace out.
Lastly, greed over a great story is surfacing from my ‘loyal’(?) readers. With all this back and forth about who owns what, that appears on my blog, let me reiterate that all material posted on my blog becomes the sole property of my blog. If you want to reserve any proprietary rights don’t post it to my blog. I will prominently display this caveat on my blog from now on to remind those who may have forgotten this notice.
Gratefully your blog host,
michelle
Aka BABE: We all know what this means by now :)
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